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 *******rated R Jokes*********continued......

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Posted on 06-15-10 12:29 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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PREVIOUS THREAD AVAILABLE HERE

Coz of the 200 posts per thread limit, i have to continue this thread here. 


On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?


In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.


Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.”


The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.


The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”


The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”


The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”


Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”


Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”


 


 
Posted on 09-12-10 5:05 PM     [Snapshot: 19404]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Last edited: 12-Sep-10 05:15 PM
Last edited: 12-Sep-10 05:16
Last edited: 12-Sep-10 05:19 PM

 
Posted on 09-13-10 10:28 AM     [Snapshot: 19634]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Sick
Leave  (Not rated)



I urgently
needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take
leave.



 



I thought that
maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off.



 



So I hung
upside-down on the ceiling and



made funny
noises.
 





My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what the heck was I doing.



I told her that
I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think I was crazy





 and give me a few days off.



 



A few minutes
later the boss came into the office and asked,







 



"What in
the name of the good God



are you
doing?"





I told him I was a light bulb.



He said,
"You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of
days."



 



I jumped down
and walked out of the office.



 



When my
co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her,



"And where
do you think you're going?"



 



She said...



"I'm going
home, too.



I can't work in
the dark."


 
Posted on 09-13-10 1:56 PM     [Snapshot: 19761]     Reply [Subscribe]
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All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend –


“My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use, should I not return from the Crusade.”


The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend.


He yells – “Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!”


 
Posted on 09-15-10 2:49 PM     [Snapshot: 20059]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife busily engaged with a midget in bed.


After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his wayward spouse. “I just don’t know what to do with you!” he said, shaking his head. We’ve talked about this over and over. We’ve spent hours with the marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you again.”


“I know, I know…” acknowledged the wife contritely. “But at least I’m cutting back!”


 
Posted on 09-16-10 12:50 AM     [Snapshot: 20241]     Reply [Subscribe]
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i really love this thread. Thanks for a good time pass.
 
Posted on 09-16-10 2:02 PM     [Snapshot: 20418]     Reply [Subscribe]
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thanks SRBRG,  and here is one for the day  


A woman comes home from shopping and finds her husband in bed with another woman. The man jumps up and says, “Honey, I can explain!”


“As I was coming homefrom the golf course, I saw this poor helpless girl on the side of the road. So I gave her a ride and asked her where she was going. She said she had no where to go and hadn’t eaten anything in three days. I felt so sorry for her that I brought her home and gave her something to eat.


While she was eating, I noticed she had no shoes so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t use anymore. Then I noticed her clothes were worn, so I gave her one of your dresses that you don’t use anymore.


As she was ready to leave, she turned to me and said, ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use anymore?’”


 
Posted on 09-16-10 2:33 PM     [Snapshot: 20443]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. 

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!" 

 
Posted on 09-16-10 2:40 PM     [Snapshot: 20471]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. 

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."
 
Posted on 09-16-10 2:42 PM     [Snapshot: 20474]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Fk, this one is hilarious;

A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up [Disallowed String for - bad word]ing everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!" Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be. Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it." So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice. 

This went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!" Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it! What sould I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!"

 
Posted on 09-16-10 3:43 PM     [Snapshot: 20478]     Reply [Subscribe]
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एकादेशमा एउटा राजा र रानी थिए. उनीहरुको एउटा मात्र छोरी अर्थात राजकुमारी थिईन जो भोलि १८ वर्ष पुग्छिन. सुख सयल मा हुर्केकी राजकुमारी निक्कै राम्री र साचिकै भर्जिन थिईन. उनको एउटा भब्य बगैचा थियो जसमा हरेक किसिमका फल फूल हरु पाहिंथे. उनले आज राज्यमा एलान गरीन, जसले भोलि मेरो बगैचामा नपाहिने फल लिएर आउछ, उसले एक रात भरि मेरा अनार्दाना चुस्दै पान बुट्टे पड्काउन पाउछ. यो कुरा सुनेर गाउका सबै बोका हरु दङ्ग परे र आज राति राजकुमारीको बगैचामा चियो गर्ने निधो गरे. तर उनको सर्त थियो, एदी त्यो फल उनको बगैचामा भेटिएमा जसले ल्याऊछ उसको चाकमा लौमै छिराइदिने. सर्तले धेरैलाइ निरुत्साहित गरे पनि केहि बोकाहरुले हिम्मत् जुटाए.  
भोलिपल्ट:
गाउको नामी बोका चुसे केराको घरि बोक्दै बिहानै ६ बजे दरबारको गेटमा पुग्यो. हिजो राति उसले राजकुमारीको बगैचामा केरा को एउटा बोट पनि देखेको थिएन. उ ढुक्क थियो, राजकुमारीलाइ ठोक्न पाहिंछा भनेर. तर बिडम्बना, बगैचामा केरा भेटियो. चुसेले आज तोरीको फूल देख्यो. हात चाकमा राख्दै खोच्याउदै चुसे घरतिर लाग्यो. 
उताबाट काधमा लिच्ची बोकेर आउदै गरेको ठनकेले चुसेलाई खुब गिज्ज्यायो. गाउका १७ ओटी तरुनी फटालिसकेको ठंकेले हिजै राति राजकुमारीलाई १८ औ देखिसकेको थियो. तर उसको पनि बिडम्बना, लिची भेटियो. हाहा, लिच्चीको काडाले ठंकेको चाक नराम्ररी पोल्यो. आज ठंकेले बाउको बिहे देख्यो. असहय पिडाले मुर्छा परेको ठंके एकाएक पागलजस्तो हास्न थाल्यो , हा हा हा हा........... परबाट गाउको नामी बोका नाज जसले बाख्री, सुगुर, भैसी, केहीलाई पनि बाकि राखेको थिएन, आउदै थियो कटहर बोकेर...

Last edited: 16-Sep-10 03:46 PM

 
Posted on 09-16-10 4:20 PM     [Snapshot: 20562]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Heard it but very well narrated. Good job.
 
Posted on 09-17-10 2:47 PM     [Snapshot: 20758]     Reply [Subscribe]
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thanks furke bro for the really nice posts


One woman to the other, "Why is your husband  so obsessed with fishing?" . To which the woman replies , I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it’s the only time he hears someone tell him, “Wow, that’s a big one!” .

Last edited: 17-Sep-10 02:47 PM

 
Posted on 09-17-10 3:05 PM     [Snapshot: 20770]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Thanks Kiddo and dhwase for your appreciations !
 
Posted on 09-18-10 4:43 AM     [Snapshot: 20950]     Reply [Subscribe]
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haha.. this one was really funny...
 
Posted on 09-18-10 9:42 PM     [Snapshot: 21133]     Reply [Subscribe]
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There you go after long time..


 


There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.


 
Posted on 09-18-10 9:43 PM     [Snapshot: 21136]     Reply [Subscribe]
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One more:::::::::::::::::::::SATURDAY AND SUNDAY


A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."


 
Posted on 09-21-10 1:39 PM     [Snapshot: 21485]     Reply [Subscribe]
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A redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn.


“Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and git yo’self a wife.”


So the boy went out and found himself a pretty young girl, to whom he got married.


But a week or so after the wedding, the farmer found his son choking the chicken again.


“You crazy boy!!” he yelled, “That Becky-Sue’s a fine young gal!”


“I know Paw,” the boy replied, “but her arm gits tired sometimes!”


 
Posted on 09-21-10 4:24 PM     [Snapshot: 21588]     Reply [Subscribe]
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my contribution for today

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in
bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying
the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets
up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this
guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots
of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed
your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever
he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy
is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong,
honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
strong honey. I love you too!!"



I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately

needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my

gas with the beat of the music.



After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,

and noticed that everybody was staring at me....



Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.



A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the

young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The
farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not
only is the rooster screwin...g the hens but he is screwing the
turkeys,ducks even the cow.

Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster
stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures
circling overhead.

The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!"

And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."


Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

 
Posted on 09-22-10 6:17 PM     [Snapshot: 21856]     Reply [Subscribe]
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I had watched this video long time back. Finally found it again and like to share the fun with everyone. Couldn't find a proper thread. This is the only thread I like to visit almost everyday.


 
Posted on 09-23-10 9:51 AM     [Snapshot: 22469]     Reply [Subscribe]
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mukurdhom.. I have seen that video long time back.. but still when i see this video, i can't stop laughin' .. Ram Cha.. haha.. Thankz SAN for fixing the problem in this thread.. 


 



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