Okay I am bored. Internet has been down for a couple of hours. I don’t even know what to make out of it. Laugh at your own disposal. Anyways, my last piece for the summer. Yes I am canvassing.

I want to kill my girlfriend. We are chatting in Yahoo Messenger and she wants to play chess. Fine, I bid farewell to people that matter the most, my online Shout Box chat buddies.

I am white. I do not like it a bit. I want to be black.

‘Can we switch?’

 She lets me.

‘Interracial stuff huh? Do you like black men?’

‘Shut up.’

She is feisty. She starts off the game by taking out the knight. I move the pawn in front of the queen. It’s déjà vu all over. She’s done the same opening move and every time I have won. So what, it’s good for my ego.

She is thinking too much. That’s her problem. Finally she moves a pawn. I see an opening for my bishop to take out her knight. Bishop moves diagonal and the knight has fallen. Her pawn takes down my bishop.

‘WTF? My horsy is gone’ she writes.

‘That’s how I roll babe.’

 I would sacrifice a bishop for a knight any day. I don’t like bishops. They remind me of church. Talking about church, I don’t want to get married. We talk about it these days.  She doesn’t want babies. If she doesn’t want babies why does she want to marry me? Hmm, it’s for the money. Oh wait, she earns more than I do. Hey, sounds like a good idea.

‘Wanna marry?’

‘Stop being silly and hurry up.’

Fine. No wonder I want to kill her. I take out my queen.

‘You are toast.’

‘Ha ha.’

What is that Ha ha? Did I make a stupid move? I did. I have let my queen be the prey. She is not a good predator. She moves a pawn.

How did she beat the chess champion in our high school? I think he let her win. I know guy psyche, they all want to get into girl’s panties one way or another. What a Geek. Ok, I have to kill him as well.

‘What’s the name of the guy you beat in chess?’

‘Manish.’

Manish is also in my hit list now. I move my queen to a safe position. She is still playing around with the pawn. I don’t know what she is trying to do with it.

‘How is your research going?’ she intrudes.

‘Okay I guess. But, I don’t want to do a thesis.’

‘What? I knew it. You can’t ever focus on anything.’

What insolence!

‘Why don’t you focus on the game first before telling me what to do?’  

I take down another other knight. She whines. No redo. I am actually winning.

She is thinking too much again. I go to YouTube, search Fortune Faded. The song plays.

‘They say in chess you’ve got to kill the queen and then you made it
Oh I, do you…… ‘

How appropriate.

‘I don’t know. I have lost interest in my research.’

‘Why don’t you chat more in that stupid Sajha Shout Box? You will develop more interest.’

What insolence again! No wonder I want to kill her. Some girl once told me that a friend sent her pictures of extremely obese people performing aerobics and it left her traumatized. I should send that, strike the five senses one at a time.  

‘Do you want to check out some photos?’

‘No, I do not want to see fat women dancing again.’

Damn, she knows. How did she find out? She is evil, I tell you. She is the devil.

I play a gambit. She falls for it. I take down her rook. I see the beginning of the end. She sees it too. She’s whining. The phone vibrates. It’s her. I am not picking it up.

‘No emotional blackmail. Please continue.’ I type.

‘Fine, have it your way.’

She moves the pawn on the last row of my side. She gets a Rook back and I am in trouble. My king has been checked and the queen is in the same row! I did not see that coming.

I move my king and watch as she takes down my queen. Without the queen, I see my impending death.  She kills my knight. She is torturing me, one step at a time. She is the devil.

Pops up.

I reply.

I am cornered. I move my King one step at a time towards a column. She is trapping me with the Queen and a Rook. Of all the glorious ways I could have died, she is doing it like a seven-year-old kid would have done it.

‘Checkmate,’ Yahoo tells me.

My death is in vain. She sends me one of those emoticons that give you a flying kiss. I send her a dancing boy who turns around, takes off his pants and shakes his ass.

She gives me again. She’s the devil. How do I kill the devil?