Hi, My best friend is in need of a suggestion. Her in laws are being very rude to her and expects her to do all the house hold chores even though she is in her last trimester of pregnancy. She does all the cooking, takes care of the older child, wash clothes etc when ever she is home but still they are making an issue that she is not washing dishes. She had to avoid standing for a long time since she got back pain due to her increasing belly. Even doctor asked her to avoid doing those works that require standing. Her husband even though being aware of the situation supports his parents. He says one should be able to wash dishes and it is not a big thing to wash dishes. I feel this is not right for her and one should be able to speak for right thing irrespective of their seniority by age. I feel one should speak up if it is wrong no matter if it's done by elder one or smaller one. Please suggest me your views in this matter.
Barcaman · Feb 3, 2014 12:23 PM · 1,023 views
- If she is in USA, dishwasher will wash dish, no need to maska, dhaska and wash. She can report to police as domestic abuse/violence and see what her in-laws will react.
dindukhi · Feb 3, 2014 12:28 PM
Yes, she is in USA. But her in laws does not like using dish washer as well. They say it is not a big thing to wash and there are not many. She cannot report it to police since her husband won't like it and also she prefers to solve it within the 4 walls of home.
Barcaman · Feb 3, 2014 12:38 PM
Just tell her husband if it is not big thing to wash dish, then why doesn't he do it? Until she speaks up, I don't see a solution for it.
Sparty · Feb 3, 2014 12:56 PM
If you mention this problem to any Americans they will be quite surprised that your friend is tolerating this kind of behavior. They will definitely recommend her to take her stand and if her husband is unwilling to support her, then file for divorce. Now if you ask me or people who grew up in our society, then I will tell you to be prudent on your actions. Sometimes, divorce is the only resort; I think it is better than a lifetime of injustice and pain. But I also think it should be her last option. Your friend already has a kid, and no matter what you say- a kid needs both his/her dad and mom to grow up in the best possible way (some single mom/dad do a great job, but an ideal situation for a kid is to have both father and mother present). The best case scenario for her, and her family, would be for everybody to live in harmony but that's not always possible. So what needs to be done then? She absolutely needs to have her husband on her side first. A pregnant lady cannot be forced to go through any kind of physical or mental stress. If not for the mother then for the sake of their soon-to-be newborn, they have to ease off on her first and foremost. Your friend might think she is in a compromising state, she really doesn't have any recourse. But she has to first feel stronger. She has to feel stronger for herself and for her fetus. She HAS to take a stand and tell her husband that it is IMPERATIVE that they both think about their kid in her belly. For the kid's well-being, she needs rest and she needs all the support she can get from her husband. Don't make it look like us against the in-laws; tell him to make them understand. Tell him, this is NOT an option but a requirement for their will-be newborn. The family either needs help (maid service) or needs to use dishwasher etc. In gist, she has to be stronger for her sake and for her soon-to-be newborn's sake. She then has to pull her husband to her side and try to convince the in-laws. If the husband is absolutely unwilling, then the D word should be given a consideration. Hope it never gets to that stage.
Kiddo · Feb 3, 2014 1:05 PM
He does it when he is home even though in laws does not like it. But when he is not home then it is a problem. Also, I don't see a reason why in laws cannot do it but no one is able to explain and speak up even nor her husband.
Barcaman · Feb 3, 2014 1:09 PM
She has to either stand up to the in laws and say I am sorry I will not be able to wash it as I have pain in my belly. So she can choose to use the dishwasher. If she does not have the guts to do it then she will have to quietly suffer it. This is america where everyone has freedom of speech so she should practice it. This is not some remote village where in laws are gonna pour kerosene over her and burn her.
rethink · Feb 3, 2014 1:20 PM
Thank you Kiddo for your thoughtful suggestion.
Barcaman · Feb 3, 2014 2:07 PM
No problem. I wouldn't suggest playing why-not-you game? The in-laws might be old and it might not come out well to ask them to do everybody's dishes; I put pregnants and elderlies on almost same category. Don't make it a war, at-least not when you are at your weakest. Another option I suggest is for your friend to go back to maiti. It's pretty common on our culture for pregnant women to be cared by her maiti. Tell her this pregnancy is taking a toll for her here and this time you want the kid to be born in Nepal. If they want the kid to be born here in US, consider having the bride's parents come over here to support her. She is going to need much more help after pregnancy and it doesn't look like she is getting that from the current family. Maybe the boy's folks go back to Nepal while the girls' folks are here.
Kiddo · Feb 3, 2014 2:54 PM
Good ol happily married joint family, arranged marriage i guess. What kind of person does not use a dishwasher in America? Does he drive? Or gets a ride from a ricksaw? He needs to get a dishwasher and make her life easier or she needs to stand up and say FU to the inlaws. These are the same sort of inlaws that will physically abuse her if she was in Nepal. The husband needs to grow a pair of balls, instead of making more babies. Last edited: 03-Feb-14 03:56 PM
Vhootee · Feb 3, 2014 3:43 PM
yo in-laws things are always complicated.. i hate it when these things happen, and you can't do anything to help... here i think the best way would to talk to each other on how everyone can help eachother.. even doing a small part helps the other person... amrika ma garo cha ni basna... hope things work out for her....
goatmeat · Feb 3, 2014 3:46 PM
Why are the couple and the in-laws all living together? Can't the in-laws go back to Nepal? How big is the house/apartement? When everybody lives together, no wonder there are problems. On top of that, the old-fashioned in-laws and a "hutti haurey" husband. Can't he stand up to his parents if he thinks they are wrong? What is wrong with people, man? Why so much meanness from in-laws? Are they that bitter in life?
hurray · Feb 3, 2014 5:09 PM
In laws came from Nepal since they were having a baby. Yes, like "Hurray" pointed out I even think that husband should be able to speak up since in laws are totally wrong at this point. I understand they are his parents so of course he will have soft corner for them but I don't think it is fair to take their side even when they are wrong. If one is easy going and understanding then there is no problem but if one is in considerate even at these situations then I must say that person is "MEAN."
Barcaman · Feb 3, 2014 5:19 PM
I cannot believe the audacity of the in-laws to come and live in your best friend's house and making such unreasonable demand to a pregnant woman. The idea behind in-laws coming to the US during the pregnancy is so that they can help the young parents. They should understand the US lifestyle and accommodate and help out. If they are instead burdensome and want to live like in Nepal then your best friend should talk to her husband and ship the in-laws back to Nepal.
Pats · Feb 3, 2014 9:55 PM
It's not like the in-laws have to adapt themselves to the american lifestyle and the way things are done in the US. It is just basic human value. You help those that need help. If a pregnant woman is struggling to finish off house-hold chores, you help her. That's it. If a guy outdoor is having hard time lifting a box, you go out and help him. How hard is that to understand? Saying that the in-laws need to understand that they are in the US, only enables their understanding that these things are "ok" in Nepal. No they are not "ok" in Nepal neither.
hurray · Feb 4, 2014 4:56 AM
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