So, two Irishmen walk out of a bar...... >.........like that might ever happen! > >Irish Prayer """""""""""" >Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he >slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet >running down his leg. > >"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!" > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > >"Irish Shopping" > > """"""""""""""""" > >McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time >removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with >olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. > >"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had >done, "what was that all about?" > >"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of >olives!" > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > >"You've Been Out Drinking Again" > > """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" > >An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender >finally said that the bar is closing. > >So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to >standone more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get >some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. > >Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to >crawl the four blocks home. > >When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He >crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he >tried one more time to stand up. This time >he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed >and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. > >He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, >shouting, > >"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" > >Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, >"What makes you say that?" > >"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again." > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > >"I've Lost Me Luggage" > > """""""""""""""""""""""""" > >An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with >tears streaming down his cheeks. > >An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. > >"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!" > >"How'd that happen?" > >"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman. > > """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" > >"Water to Wine" > > """""""""""""""""" > >An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for >speeding in Connecticut. > >The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an >empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. > >He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" > >"Just water," says the priest. > >The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" > >The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > >"The Reunion" > > """"""""""""""" > >A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he >could buy him a drink. > >"Why, of course," comes the reply. >The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" >"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. >The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's >have another round to Ireland." > >"Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks: >"Where in Ireland?" >"Dublin," comes the reply. >"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to >Dublin." > >"Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did >you attend?" >"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62." >"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union. >About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the >bar. > >"What's up?" he asks the bartender. > >"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk >again!" > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > >"The Brothel" > > """""""""""""" > >Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across >the street. > >They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them >said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." > >Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, >'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." > >Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the >Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite >ill." > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > >"Lost at Sea" > > """"""""""""" > >Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a >dramatic escape from a burning freighter. > >While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an >old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp >vigorously. > >To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular >genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the >standard three. > >Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the >entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" > >The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the >entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. > >Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of >Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their >circumstances. > >Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. > >After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now >we're going to have to pee in the boat."