Posted by: behoove_me April 17, 2013
Shivaji and his Magic Johnson
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Shivaji and his magic Johnson
Disclaimer: This post is purely fictional, resemblance to any persons living or dead is purely coincidental.  Also, there are some strong words directed towards few sajhaites, people who worship Shivaji and homosexuals, but only in jest. It should not be construed as a propagation of hatred or evil mockery of any kind. Also, please pardon grammatical errors, this was a quick write up later this morning (thanks to my mood swing). Happy hump day ya'll
I am not an atheist or a sexist, but when I witness several hundreds of women lined up for several hundred yards, along the perimeter of Pashupatinath’s main temple, only to worship an erect penis of some god which perhaps never exists, especially when they have a husband at home who is more than eager to get naked when drunk, I am concerned to say the least.
I am more concerned when men follow suit, for no apparent reason. I remember this guy walking around the main temple with his fingers clasped and his eyes closed – as if his sacrosanct self is more than keen to worship the coveted penis, yet too mortified to lay his eyes on it.
But what concerns me the most is - coming across individuals who are at peace with their wives who visit Pashupatinath every weekend to worship a strange man’s penis while they sip their morning coffee and flip through the daily newspaper as if nothing is happening.
Last time I checked, it was called infidelity.
But then I guess they were least bothered about their wives’ acts because maybe they, like I do, know that the particular god with that given name only exists in archaic books. I mean, seriously, why would anyone bother believing in a frightening blue man with an extra eye without a haircut who smoked weed all his life and is too stoned to even realize he has a serpent wrapped around his neck. And to make matters worse he also fathers that unlucky son who has a head of an elephant with humanoid limbs minus tail.
I had heard of crack babies, but a pot baby?? I didn’t believe it until I ran into Ganesh, his existence proves this theory - if a man who cannot think straight when not stoned has sex with a normal female, the baby looks like an animal.
No? There is a story behind it?
So tell me how does this skinny a$$ Ganesh who jumped up and down the battlefield like TO with the pigskin suddenly becomes fat after his loses his head (literally) and is replaced with one of an elephant? Doesn’t make sense.
“They worship a penis?” Rachel laughed. “Is he a porn star?’
“Yes he is” I had snapped “Just like that f@#*ing scarecrow you worship and call Jesus, and if he weren’t wearing that rag over his genitals, you guys would have been drinking the holy water out of his wrinkled Johnson.”
Next thing I knew Rachel wouldn’t touch my penis for a couple of days. In case you were wondering who Rachel is, she was my first girlfriend I was lucky enough to get laid with. Call me a late bloomer, but I never had sex with a girl before I set my foot in US.
“I think we should wait” were the words of my girlfriend back in Nepal when she got me all worked up in her sunny living room in near Samakhusi while her parents were away and I was about to pull down my blue Dora underwear. I had broken up with her next second.
See, I am a Nepali, and this should be clear to everyone - I love and hate the any given individual at the same time. I didn’t care about my dear god Shivaji until a while broad mocked about him. Also I did hate Paras (friggin’ sarkar my brown a$$) all these years, until that asshole had a heart attack. Few months ago I sent 50 dollars to do a pooja for his well being in Nepal and felt good about it. If he recuperates, I will start hating him again and would like that money back.
Speaking of getting laid with Rachel, I wonder why girls in Nepal ogled at Shivaji’s penis every weekend yet completely failed to acknowledge the fact their boyfriends, neighbors, classmates and  servants have a penis as well, which is always available, no queue ever, 100% free, and they could actually use it.
But they won’t ‘किनकी पाप लाग्छ’. Actually I know this extremely devout girl who joined her hands and closed her eyes the moment she laid her eyes on cucumbers, carrots, radishes, pop sickles, hot dogs, sharpies, needles and anything that was straight and erect. Okay maybe that was a little too much. Okay maybe I made that up. Actually I did make that up because few dimwit sajhaites will believe at everything and cannot tell between troll and thuldai before quickly putting forth their expert comments after a ten minute research (courtesy nepalibehuli’s thread and बोकाs who replied on it).
But not all women worship penis, mind you. I had this woman in my neighborhood who never cared about shivaji and his much desired Johnson.
“I worship Kaali maata” she had told me once.
If you carefully look at the picture between shivaji and kaali maata, you’d see a striking similarity, although in an odd way. Our dear blue man is naked waist down and that tongue wagging dark woman is nude belly up.
Now don’t even get me started.
Effing lesbian……
Last edited: 17-Apr-13 11:46 AM
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