Posted by: fortunefaded February 13, 2012
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SPOILER ALERT!!
Valley,
My criticism is purely just an opinion and I don't want to discourage you. Do take it with a grain of salt since I claim to be neither a writer, nor a critic!
Overall I am neutral about your story. You do have a good observation skills. Your progression was well done, and the story had a depth in little character development that was done. But there were instances of bad editing, predictable story plot, and a cloyingly emotional ending.
A couple of things that threw me off was grammar:
Ramila; my husband's friend's wife was wearing at a party the other day. should be
Ramila, my husband's friend's wife, was
silk saree Pratima; my husband's friend's wife wore at a party the other day.
silk saree Pratima, my husband's friend's wife, wore at a party the other day.
I understand it's your first story, but I see a plot that's very predictable. A houseworker gets accused of stealing, gets fired from work, owner finds out the truth, and remorse settles in. There was nothing that was gripping me to the story.
Finally, your conclusion almost aggravated me.
"Perhaps that's the whole purpose of childhood; human life in it's purest and innocent form, to teach us adults how to live our lives. Perhaps we can all learn from children, not just learn how they learn, but learn how they forget. "
That sounds like you would have loved to have an amnesia about this episode. I am struggling to find a level of maturity in the conclusion. Comparing childhood innocence to forgetting what should shock you everytime you accuse someone of wrongdoing is very childish indeed.
What do I mean by more mature? something like "I still owe the earrings, though I never wear them. Every now and then after an argument with my husband, I peek at my jewelry box. The fading layer of gold keeps me grounded."
FF
Valley,
My criticism is purely just an opinion and I don't want to discourage you. Do take it with a grain of salt since I claim to be neither a writer, nor a critic!
Overall I am neutral about your story. You do have a good observation skills. Your progression was well done, and the story had a depth in little character development that was done. But there were instances of bad editing, predictable story plot, and a cloyingly emotional ending.
A couple of things that threw me off was grammar:
Ramila; my husband's friend's wife was wearing at a party the other day. should be
Ramila, my husband's friend's wife, was
silk saree Pratima; my husband's friend's wife wore at a party the other day.
silk saree Pratima, my husband's friend's wife, wore at a party the other day.
I understand it's your first story, but I see a plot that's very predictable. A houseworker gets accused of stealing, gets fired from work, owner finds out the truth, and remorse settles in. There was nothing that was gripping me to the story.
Finally, your conclusion almost aggravated me.
"Perhaps that's the whole purpose of childhood; human life in it's purest and innocent form, to teach us adults how to live our lives. Perhaps we can all learn from children, not just learn how they learn, but learn how they forget. "
That sounds like you would have loved to have an amnesia about this episode. I am struggling to find a level of maturity in the conclusion. Comparing childhood innocence to forgetting what should shock you everytime you accuse someone of wrongdoing is very childish indeed.
What do I mean by more mature? something like "I still owe the earrings, though I never wear them. Every now and then after an argument with my husband, I peek at my jewelry box. The fading layer of gold keeps me grounded."
FF