Nicely written.
मैखाना त उर्दु भएन? How about Bhatti? I guess it wouldn't flow with the words.

Your poem reminded me of my favourite song:

नपिउने बाचा गराइ गयौ
म पिउ कसरी?
तिमी बिनाको एक्लो जीवन
म जिउ कसरी?

यो गीत कसै सँग भए please provide me a link. Atleast tell me who the singer is.