My comments in Red

This is a friends personal statement, please suggest:

While growing up (vague timeframe) (growing up where??), the art of healing (what is art of healing? keep art and science separate) intrigued me. I would witness dire and harsh conditions (what would make those conditions dire and harsh?) of people who fell ill and (flowflaw - I would witness ... and... implies you would witness something and THEN witch doctors did their part) witch doctors perform their rituals to cure them. Many people in my town, mostly children, died prematurely (how can someone die prematurely, especially after they have been born?? And all deaths are untimely.) from stomach-aches and fever. Most causes of illness were due (causes cannot be due to anything, only outcomes can be due to something) to dismal and unhygienic living conditions, poor sanitation and shortage of vaccinations, poverty and poor health (healthcare?) system (rearrange the list in socio-economic and technical order of some sort) in Nepal (maybe Nepal should be mentioned earlier on).

Having personally witnessed (who witnessed?) such (such.. which such?? only news reporters can get away with this sentence construct) adversities (you haven't identified any adversity, only adverse situations.), I think I knew (are you assuming or are you definite?) what I wanted to do with my life at an early age (did you know that at early age, or did you want to do that at early age?). I wanted to take up a career in the health (maybe healthcare?) related field. There were many options. I found pharmacy to be the most compelling option (join the two short sentence to give elegance). The areas (what areas? some qualifier desperately required) that pharmacists can be engaged (pharmacists can be engaged in back office, stocking, dispensing, YouTubing etc...)  in attracted me to consider this profession which I thought was limited to drug stores (you are in disagreement with yourself). I learnt (how and where did you learn?) that there is (learnt ... is ...? pick one and stick to it.) a growing need for pharmacists and their important role for patient care (the AND implies there is also a growing need for pharmacists' important role for patient care). My involvement in this area (which area) will (error in verb tense transition) help me grow (in what way? everyone is individual) as an individual (everyone is an individual) because of my desire (desire does not do anything, action does) to be associated (you could be a hospital janitor to be associated with this context) in the wellbeing (do you mean treatment??, even a well-wisher without a college degree can be associated in the wellbeing) of patients (patients are in hospital, and 95% of population are NOT in hospital, yet they suffer in ways you describe) whom I have seen suffer (is this a speech or a personal statement?). I am overwhelmed (why?, you are just applying, not becoming one, at this point in your essay) that pharmacy is going to be my focus.

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