An A for effort, but an F for presentation.  Was a pain going through your whole piece of work.  I just felt it just wasn't captivating at all, the grammar was really bad and most importantly, couldn't you have formatted your story a lil better so it would've been easier for us readers to go through with no probs and not be totally overwhelmed by the content that was all squished into a jar of molded cookies?? 

5 words to sum it all up as a reader: Please Spare Us The Pain!!