Posted by: kya_naam_disturb February 7, 2008
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Somedown ji,
Ma sajha ka sabai katha padchu ra hardly kunnaai ma comment garchu, tara yo katha ra yo part pade pachi comment nagari basna nai sakina.
I think u r losing track of your kahani, don't try to enlogate and experiment with the story. Yesari, part by part euta ketu bhete ko ghatna tapaina lai story ko part thapna intrest badauna sakcha, but its like different stories running on the different channel ra sabai keti ko different kahani badhyata biwasta dekhayera sayad tapain le nari patra lai naaya garna saknu bhayena jasto lagcha. Maile pahilo bhag pade pachi CL ko comment malai pani ho ho jasto lageko thio. Tara yo part bata badta experiment bhayo jasto lagcha.
उनको नाकमा टोमेटो सस लागेको रहेछ । उनकै हात बाट टिस्सि पेपर लिएर मैले पुछिंदिए । उनि शर्मिलो मुस्काइन् ।
‘फेरि कफि खाँउ है’ भनेर मैले एउटा black coffee र एउटा milk tea मगाएं । उनले होइन, दुइ वटै black coffee भनिन् । म हासें । उनि पनि ।
कफि आयो, लामो सास लिएर मैले सुरु गरे ।
‘I don’t want to break my study right now. अब शुरु गरि सके । बिचमा म छोड्न सक्दिन । अनि मैले त्यस्तो permanently abroad जाने plan गरेको छैन । I have to be with my parents’
लप्पन-छप्पन excuses नगरि मैले सिधा शब्दमा मेरो व्यवहार र वास्तविकता राखें ।
‘you are a good person’ उनि कफि खादै हांसिन् । नाक मा केहि लागेको थिएन र पनि नाक पुछिरहेकि थिईन् ।
चिनि पुगेनछ । एक चम्चा थपिन् । मैले पनि मेरो कप अगाडि बढाए । उनले मेरो मा पनि हालि दिइन् र चिनि घोलिन् ।
‘sorry, मैले हजुरको कफि जुठो गरिदिए’ उनले भनिन् ।
‘अव मीठो हुन्छ होला’ म हांसे ।
केहि बात पछि उनले नै भनिन् । ‘
Ta pain ko bisesta bhaneko, tan pain le hareek patra ra tesko ghatana kram lai ramri prastut garna sakunu huncha tara these kind of random bhet, yesle katha lai intresting banauncha jasto lagdaina.
I am not a writer but take a one character and change the story to that direction.
And realllllllly sorry as
I never add a single word for appreciating the good part and for your other stories but only posted the comment for criticizing for your story, but thats my thought
Ma sajha ka sabai katha padchu ra hardly kunnaai ma comment garchu, tara yo katha ra yo part pade pachi comment nagari basna nai sakina.
I think u r losing track of your kahani, don't try to enlogate and experiment with the story. Yesari, part by part euta ketu bhete ko ghatna tapaina lai story ko part thapna intrest badauna sakcha, but its like different stories running on the different channel ra sabai keti ko different kahani badhyata biwasta dekhayera sayad tapain le nari patra lai naaya garna saknu bhayena jasto lagcha. Maile pahilo bhag pade pachi CL ko comment malai pani ho ho jasto lageko thio. Tara yo part bata badta experiment bhayo jasto lagcha.
उनको नाकमा टोमेटो सस लागेको रहेछ । उनकै हात बाट टिस्सि पेपर लिएर मैले पुछिंदिए । उनि शर्मिलो मुस्काइन् ।
‘फेरि कफि खाँउ है’ भनेर मैले एउटा black coffee र एउटा milk tea मगाएं । उनले होइन, दुइ वटै black coffee भनिन् । म हासें । उनि पनि ।
कफि आयो, लामो सास लिएर मैले सुरु गरे ।
‘I don’t want to break my study right now. अब शुरु गरि सके । बिचमा म छोड्न सक्दिन । अनि मैले त्यस्तो permanently abroad जाने plan गरेको छैन । I have to be with my parents’
लप्पन-छप्पन excuses नगरि मैले सिधा शब्दमा मेरो व्यवहार र वास्तविकता राखें ।
‘you are a good person’ उनि कफि खादै हांसिन् । नाक मा केहि लागेको थिएन र पनि नाक पुछिरहेकि थिईन् ।
चिनि पुगेनछ । एक चम्चा थपिन् । मैले पनि मेरो कप अगाडि बढाए । उनले मेरो मा पनि हालि दिइन् र चिनि घोलिन् ।
‘sorry, मैले हजुरको कफि जुठो गरिदिए’ उनले भनिन् ।
‘अव मीठो हुन्छ होला’ म हांसे ।
केहि बात पछि उनले नै भनिन् । ‘
Ta pain ko bisesta bhaneko, tan pain le hareek patra ra tesko ghatana kram lai ramri prastut garna sakunu huncha tara these kind of random bhet, yesle katha lai intresting banauncha jasto lagdaina.
I am not a writer but take a one character and change the story to that direction.
And realllllllly sorry as
I never add a single word for appreciating the good part and for your other stories but only posted the comment for criticizing for your story, but thats my thought