Blonde haircut A Blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can't take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep in the chair. The barber can't cut her hair correctly with the earphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. Startled by what?s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said: "Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out... ********************************************************************************************************************************************** Poker animals Q: What animal should you never play cards with? A: A cheetah ********************************************************************************************************************************************** Two eggs Two eggs are in a frying pan and one says ?Man it?s hot in here.? The other one says ?Holy sh*t a talking egg!? ********************************************************************************************************************************************** Bill and Hillary Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear. Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me, I said throw out the first pitch." ********************************************************************************************************************************************** Programmers and Light Bulb How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that''s a hardware problem. ********************************************************************************************************************************************** Egg-Laying Egg-Laying Why does a chicken lay eggs? Because if she dropped them, they'd break ********************************************************************************************************************************************** Lawyer... Genius Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? A: Your honor ********************************************************************************************************************************************** New Favorite Number Q: What is 68? A: You do me and I owe you ********************************************************************************************************************************************** Leeches What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer? The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead. ********************************************************************************************************************************************** Signs That You're A Drunk 1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group. 7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!? 8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem. 9. Every woman you see has an exact twin. 10. You fall off the floor 11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! 12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive 14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!! 15. Roseanne looks good 16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass. 17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again. 18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store. 19. You've fallen and can't get up. 20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering. ********************************************************************************************************************************************** ~nepaligurl~