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There are two kinds of people in this world. Some people will look at a construction crane and think "Oh, look, it's a construction crane." Others will look at that same crane and think, "Oh, hey, I've gotta go have sex on that construction crane, right this second."
This article's about that second group.
Like most men, Donald Thompson, had needs; itches that had to be scratched without delay. Unlike most men, Donald Thompson was also a judge. And, unlike most judges (hopefully), Donald liked to sit behind the bench and jam his unit into a penis pump and go to town while presiding over cases.
"Whatever. I just masturbated into this Dixie cup."
According to testimony in the trial that ended with him getting four years in prison for indecent exposure and getting disbarred, Thompson used the pump at least four times and exposed himself 15 times during jury trials, apparently when shit got either really boring or incredibly sexy. You know how murder trials can get sexy.
"Read the charges again, but slower...and then tell me I'm bad."
As an added bonus, Thompson had purchased a rather noisy pump that made an audible wooshing sound. It was loud enough that jurors during trials asked the judge what it was and presumably Thompson responded by groaning loudly then napping for a half hour or so.
Sometimes people get infused with the Holy Spirit and feel moved to praise the Lord when in church. Other times, people hop in the confessional and defile one another in a host of unseemly and sticky ways. It is not our place to question the Lord.
In Cesena, Italy, during morning mass, a couple in their early 30s was lodged in a confessional booth when other people at church became aware of an off-putting rustling and groaning coming from the booth. In public restrooms, that's often the sound of hobos passing gin-soaked shoe leather from their bowels while masturbating; and in mall photo booths it's the sound of teen girls making hilarious and unique faces with their BFFs. In churches, however, the first, best guess is the pastor trying to sober up before a service. On this day, however, it was just a "goth rock" couple diddling each other. For Jesus.
They could have at least closed the curtain.
The police were called and the couple, who were piss-tank drunk, were "cautioned" for obscene acts and disturbing a religious function which we think is like robbing a bank and then being told by the cops you can only spend the money on canned meat. The local parish priest called the incident "an outrage of notable proportions which bespeaks unutterable squalor" which is Christian for "[Disallowed String for - bad word]tarded."
At home, in Alabama, a couple was caught having sex on the altar in a Baptist Church, because sometimes humping in a confessional booth just isn't sacrilegious enough. The altar was covered in red wax and the male half was found hiding under the church when police arrived, as his escape plan included digging to China.
There are various levels of daring when it comes to sex in public. Some people will never venture beyond the cover of the backyard at 3 am, some people will attempt sex in an airplane lavatory. Others will eschew silly things like "reason" and copulate on the hood of a cop car. That has cops in it.
A couple of randy Dutch folk, known for their wooden shoes and proclivities to fornicate in full view of emergency service personnel, decided the hood of the car was a good place to go to town and say they didn't notice the two cops still in the car at the time. The cops got out of their car and demonstrated firm Dutch justice by politely asking the couple to stop and go somewhere else, as the law doesn't specifically prohibit people from having sex on top of a cop car. However, the law does state that police officers need to be available for duty.
"Please stop that."
Thus, when the male of the couple, without missing a sexy beat, insulted the cops, he was arrested and his girlfriend was taken away when she tried to stop the car from leaving with her boyfriend.
In 1916, the first ever known case of sex on a plane resulted in a plane crash, so this fantasy got started off on the wrong foot and proved that some places are, in fact, inappropriate for getting frisky in.
The fact that the pilot was the one having the sex probably greatly contributed to the problem, but ever since they installed those new security doors, how do any of us know what the pilot is up to in the cockpit? It's called the cockpit for God's sake.
The National Transportation Safety Board, in as dry a way as possible, has also attributed one fatal accident the result of pilot humpage, noting that the pilot made an "improper inflight decision to divert her attention to other activities not related to the conduct of the flight." Which is to say: "She was porking." The result of this is clear evidence that while joining the mile high club may be fun, if you're in charge of keeping the whole boat a mile high, you are excluded.
It's a sad state of affairs that teachers having sex with students is about as common as baseball players using steroids or internet comedy writers going to sleep cold and alone. However, we can chalk that up to folks who are a few a nuggets short of a happy meal. When two teachers get together at school, under a security camera, and have sex, that's just plain stupid.
Leroy Coleman, Principal of Sandridge Elementary school, decided that going a few rounds with a teacher at his school in his office would be a grand idea and thus ran through the standard porno line up of positions. Even though he was married, he did this several times, and with different women, because the position of "school principal" is evidently kryptonite to all women. The man had the presence of mind to get his boning done behind closed doors and with no children present, but he neglected to turn off or even avoid the security camera pointed directly at his desk.
Video of the event was later released forcing him and his co-stars to resign, all of them citing either "illness" or "family issues" as their reasons. We like to imagine they just switched careers.
Having sex at work is rather mundane and, if our nation's schools are any indication, pretty much everyone is doing it these days. However, even the most mundane and vanilla scenarios get a boost when you toss in a vacuum named Henry that has a face on it.
One night in England, a Polish contractor working late on a children's hospital decided that the stress of the day and/or the hotness of an electronic suction device with a cartoon smile on it was too much to resist and got down on his hands and knees to make Henry a man. A passing security guard saw the man defiling the machine and requested that he clean himself and the Hoover up before leaving the premises. In fairness, Henry was totally asking for it.
Have you ever stared at a construction crane and thought to yourself "Man, I'd like to have me some sex on that"? Congratulations, you're just like Justin Dunn and Nicole Albert, a couple from Florida who climbed up on a crane, in the middle of the day, to bump uglies.
No, the other kind of crane. But that would've been weird, too.
Several witnesses, after squinting to ensure they were seeing what they thought they were seeing, called police who arrived and had to use a public address system to talk the couple down, presumably because none of the officers wanted to climb all the way up and risk high altitude bodily fluids splatting them in the eyes.
The couple got off (ha!) with just a warning, as Dunn's father owned the crane and it was private property. They were told to try to be somewhat more discrete from now on, which we assume means they'll be sticking to double decker buses, tree tops and hot air balloons for the foreseeable future.
As should be obvious to everyone, Arby's is the sexiest of all fast food places, sexier even than Jack in the Box or Taco Bell. So sexy in fact that a myriad of customers have been unable to control themselves and just had to let their own curly fry flop out so they could smack it around some.
Kenneth Michael Dobbs got the Arby's urge in Decatur and went through the drive-thru butt-ass naked with one hand working his crank and then returned a couple of days later to do the exact same thing, because Arby-Qs are a twice a week obsession at least.
Don't you just want to masturbate right now?
Unfortunately for Dobbs, though the employees of Arby's are apparently stoked to see how excited their customers get, a police officer was parked nearby on his second trip, noticed the curious lack of clothing, and pulled the man over.
Pretty much the exact same thing happened in Tennessee as well when a self-loving customer spun through the drive-thru once, then again a couple of weeks later.
Others have been caught masturbating in drive-thrus for McDonald's, Burger King and probably every other fast food drive-thru, completely oblivious to the obvious flaw in their planning. While you may be able to get away with running into an In n Out burger with your penis in your hand, going through the drive-thru with an easily identifiable license plate slapped to the back of your car pretty much ensures that your left hand better be fast and furious if you hope to finish before the cops arrive.
Prison sex tends to evoke a number of unfortunate images that are best left unexplored at this point in time. And since we're not talking about one unfortunate soul venturing to pick up some errant soap while a comrade saddles up behind him in an intimate and unwanted fashion, we won't even mention it. What we are talking about is something like what happened to public defender Theresa Olson when she took it upon herself to give her client a ride in a jail conference room.
From what we've learned from watching Boston Legal and reruns of LA Law, lawyers are prone to fits of sexiness all the time. Still, when you're in the midst of discussing a murder trial with the man accused of beating his parents and sister to death, it may be best to wait for some comically appropriate time to sneak into a judge's chambers or such instead of just giving the man a poke in full view of jail guards who weren't made aware of what zany David E. Kelly hijinks to expect.
Though it should go without saying that having sex in the path of a fast moving super heavy chunk of iron, steel and pain is a bad idea, we'll say it anyway: having sex on train tracks is a bad idea. In fact, of all the places one could have sex, few have worse potential consequences for the couple involved with the possible of exceptions of inside volcanoes, on the back of a bull or at a communal shower in an old folks home.
Or any combination of the three.
Nonetheless, a couple in South Africa were getting busy on the tracks, deciding that humping out in lion country or in a parasite filled pool was too boring for them. As you might expect, the evening ended poorly for them when a train pulled into the station where the couple was at. Trains, being rather hard to stop, aren't good at bobbing and weaving around sweaty bodies in their path.
As such, the conductor on the train shouted out the window for the couple to move. The couple, deciding that finishing was a superior choice to living, continued what they were doing as the train rolled over them. The end result was probably that particular train conductor having the most horrible image ever burned into his mind, next to that old folks communal shower thing.
More of Fortey's writing can be found at Scenic Anemia