In response to
Marriage, commitment phobia, and freedom mania
Author: Deepak Bhandari, September 20, 2004
Although my response is in no way to attack you personally, however, I would like to make some comments as I happen to read this article thoroughly. However anxiously I had waited to read these articles (in writerýs guild) with some set expectations, itýs only disheartening to know that it did not meet the expectations that I came up with. You have come up with some good points, but what appalled me is the incoherence of paragraphs in your essay.
It might sound like an English teacher scolding his kid for not arranging his essay properly, but as I begin to make comments that seems inevitable. The first thing that I noticed in your essay is the lack of clear thesis. It seems like your thesisýwhat you are going to talk in rest of the essayýis about the freedom that you get from committing to marriage, but I donýt see you going along that line as I read the rest of the essay. Or if you intended to talk about why people do not want to commit to marriage early, then that does not seem clear either. So, a strong thesis would not only make the readers follow through what your are going to say in rest of your essay but you would also avoid confusing people.
You make some good arguments in your second paragraph about the misconception people have before marriages. I like the part that you have included your personal opinion, which I think gives the paper a strong backing. I donýt have much to say about this paragraph.
I see some flaw in your argument in your third paragraph. You say, ýAfter experiencing all the happiness marriage can bring to a single personýs life, I now feel stupid for not exploring this joy a few years earlier.ý This doesnýt seem quite appealing to me although I can see what you are saying. So to speak for the sake of an argument, even if I were to marry at the age of 15, I would still be missing something that I would have gotten had I married a few years earlier.
In the next paragraph, you digress from what you should be talking about; you go on talking about how you got involved in your e business. Although you might find this piece interesting to put on your paper, I donýt see how that event makes your essay strong. You donýt have any real point to makeýin accordance with your thesisýin this paragraph. Is that the freedom that you got from your marriage???
In your fifth paragraph, you talk about the importance of marriage and why people are careful in this regard. You also talk about people, who because of commitment in marriage, are not marrying as giving we
ak excuses. I would have loved to hear more on that.
In your last paragraph, you urge your single friends (the readers, I guess, including me) to get into this matrimonial relationship. I think you did a pretty good job there! You say, ýIt is all about holding those hands and feeling that magic.ý I donýt know up to what point is that true but I donýt quite agree with what you say. How about all those divorces that happen? You did not even contribute a paragraph to make counterarguments when I think you were talking about how marriage gives you freedom.
Anyway, it was nice going over your essay, and I basically enjoyed it. Once again, I have no intentions to attack you personally, but just few comments as a silent reader. Hope to hear back from you if you wish to defend your points. Letýs make it a healthy one. Overall, you have done a good job (although I am no one to make comment on a guy who is a lot senior than me, I am guessing!!)
Don't have much time to go over other articles.
Gotta write a paper nowý.. Tocqueville Vs. Marxý
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