I am starting to imprecate the thought of what would I have done differently and where would i have ended up. I always thought I learned enough along my mistakes and I would never ever repeat them and end up the way I did before. But out of blue, I would be there questioning myself, “How the hell did I end up here?
Not being happy, not trying to be happy, tired of trying to be happy, and not knowing how to be happy are my extravagant virtues. There is this constant prick nagging one corner of my heart and quenching it to try to go out and simply express what it desires.
How can I tell you I like you? That should be easy. How about, I love you?
I never had guts and my trial of making mistakes, not learning from them and ending up in situations that could have been easily avoidable warned my mind and heart to keep away. But I simply couldn’t. How could I go a day without talking to you, how could I breathe without hearing you smile, how could I be whole without hearing you say my name.
I wonder if you realized, how much I have fallen for you, how much I am into you. I hope and just hope, you at least share the same sentiments in this matter. You were not obliged, nor will you ever be but this fear of rejection and this fear of not being loved in return is haunting me and keeping me away from giving what my heart desires, “You”.
“Hello! Kyle…how have you been…?” I texted. He replied in an instant second.., “Hey, how are you?”
Hyper excited with his instantaneous reply….., I almost dropped my phone off my hand. Super hurriedly, I maintained my balance and texted him back. “Good J, how was your day ?”. Then, I waited for him to text me back. In 2 minutes…, eagerly waiting to hear the text tone…., 3 minutes checking every second to see if there is a text…., 4 minutes checking to see if there is network,…. 5 minutes I grew impatient like a hungry child., the wait was over for me….., “ How was work? I texted. The clock started ticking again. No cross questions, no what abouts, no click.
What Just happened? Why is he not texting me back. He should not be busy he is already off his work. He was the jolliest and the most inquisitive one. He was the one who initiated the conversations. What went wrong? My mind started quarreling with the thoughts of, “Oh! He’s just not that into you” to “Glitters in the air”. Trying to maintain my dignity, I left the phone on the top of the table and decided to give it a quit for couple of hours, then I decided on couple of days, finally, I settled for a month. While, I was still doubting, whether I should go for a year….., I heard the thunder drum text tone on my phone that nearly knocked my heart out.
After getting my normal rhythmic heart beat back, I checked on my text. It was Kyle’s. He wrote “How are you sweetie? How was your day?”
Confused, I went back to check the texts I sent him before…, maintaining my quitting for a month attitude. To my shock, the text went to a different kyle (My raunchy ex-landlord). With a relief that my first conversation did not inflate, and with big smile in my face settling with my one month attitude, I texted Kyle back.., “I am doing well, I cannot wait to tell you how my day was” and then.., The drum beats started rolling.