Little Johnny

“God's Handles”

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work,
Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George
holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, ’Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?’

Little Johnny waves his hand, ’Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!’

Miss Rogers:’All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?’

Little Johnny says, ’Mas-tur-bate.’

Miss Rogers smiles and says, ’Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.’

Little Johnny says, ’No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob".

Little Johnny was sitting in his classroom when his teacher asks what sounds animals make. First the teacher asks,"what sound does a cow make?" Susie raises her hand and says moo. "Good job susie" says the teacher. Then she asks what sound does a duck make? Billy raises his hand and says quack. Next the teacher asks what sound a pig makes. Little Johnny raises his hand and says," Get your black ass out the car, put your hands above your head, and spread your legs!"

Here is Lil Johnny Boy..................................

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike."Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked."Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking.""Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth.""That is the truth!" Johnny replied."Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "My dad taught me."

"Good! Can you tell me what comes after three."

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says little Johnny.

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny asks, "Mommy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.

So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

"What kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish of black?" asks his dad.

"Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait until its dark and steal the f@#king thing."

Johnny's Lines

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these lines to practice:

"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."

Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. Then he goes............................................................

"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"

Math Test

NAME:____________________
GANG NAME:______________

1. Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000>to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6. Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

8. Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

It was the second grade teacher's birthday. So every child in the class was giving her a special gift.

Anna's mother owned a flower shop, so Anna gave the teacher some beautiful flowers.

Robert's parents owned a candy shop. Robert gave the teacher a wonderful box of assorted candies.

Then it was little Johnny's turn. Johnny's dad owned a liquor store! So Johnny brought a big box for his teacher. When little Johnny handed the box to his teacher, she noticed that the bottom of the box was wet. So she put her finger on it and tasted.

"Is it wine?" the teacher asked.

"No, it's not wine!" Johnny replied.

She tasted it again. "Hmmmmmm. Is it some sort of liquor?"

"Nope, it's not liquor!" said Johnny.

She tasted it again and was puzzled. "Well, Johnny, I give up. What is it?"

Johnny was excited. "It's a puppy!" he said.

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while the men tried to concentrate on their Saturday afternoon poker game. His father tried in every way to get Johnny to occupy himself, but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle returned in a short time without Johnny and without comment, and the game resumed.

For the balance of the afternoon, there was no trouble from Johnny. After the game had ended and the players were settling their wins and losses, one of the men asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Johnny?"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I showed him how to jerk off."

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Little Johnny?"

"My goldfish died," replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

As Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, "That's because he's inside your f@#king cat."

President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school, and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. The students and their teacher are in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy," so the president asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No" says Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," Lil' Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."

Sally came running in from school. "Mommy! Mommy! At show and tell, Little Johnny showed us something that's six inches long, and has two nuts, and can make me very fat!"

Gasping, the woman said, "Sally! What on earth did he show you?"

The girl replied, "An Almond Joy!"

Little Johnny went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather. While eating the eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film- like substance on his plate. "Grandfather," he asked, "are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, Little Johnny noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his burger, his grandfather says, " I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."

Later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As Little Johnny was leaving the house, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." said Little Johnny.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!"

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.

When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Little Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which explained why the dog was walking so gingerly.

The man smiled and remarked, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son, but I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Little Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

"Mommy, my turtle is dead," Little Johnny sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right, dear. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet..." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Little Johnny, you're turtle is not dead after all."

"Oh," the disappointed Little Johnny said, "can I kill it?"

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:

"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes.

He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.

That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed".

This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.

"No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."