Nice one behoove_me... thoroughly enjoyed it!
Good writing as always!
However, contrary to your previous stories, it was a little too..hmm what's the word... patronizing!
Thank you Yacc and snurp. I am obliged.
You brought in an excellent point snurp. As I read through it again and again, it does sound a little patronizing (despite an underlying humor) even though the last thing I'd want is to come across as a pompous individual. However, as I delved a litle deep into it, the only reason behind it could be the subject matter - inane faith and racism. I wish I could handle such sensitive subjects with a little more generosity. As you see, I am still on a learning curve.
Haha. One pandit told my mom I would never leave Nepal and have a kid by 20. We still laugh about it.
Khas mann parena......Jhyau lagera aayo.
Compared to other stories, i'd give 1/5.
Nothing interesting in the story.
I had liked your previous stories.
I just have one word for your words: Mesmerizing
To me, you have finally outdone Empire State of Teej.
Something that caught my eye:
"There was a time she was a devout worshipper of Ganeshji and walked all the way to Kamaladi Ganesh from Bishalnagar even during bandh, where no vehicles were allowed to operate."
Did she always used to walk there or only during bandh?
I think 'when' should replace 'where'.
Sorry for being a grammar Nazi but I'm no match for the Allied Forces of your writing.
Halo,
Thank you for reading. I, by no means, am trying to undermine the skills of astrologers, but lately, their talent has been highly commercialized, thanks to hordes of followers who consider them demigods. Also, taking into account what that jyotishi told you, I have heard worse. :)
guy_tensed,
Unlike my other stories which were based on internet love, breakup, childhood crush, travel and ghost story, this was a little bit off the 'spicy subject' so there's no wonder this read did not catch eyes instantly. But as far as the flow and brevity is concerned, I am moderately satisfied. 1/5 is a lot better than none at all isn't it, so I take that as a compliment. Thanks for visiting.
Jay,
You revived this post when it was losing all its steam. And thank you for the grammar correction, I will make a note of that. I wish I always had an extra fresh pair of eyes to look over my posts once again. Also, scrutinizing my posts explains how intensely you care to read everything I post. I am extremely grateful.
Behoove, it was a good read but too short and abrupt ending.
As always, keep writing !!
Behoove_Me,
I think you misunderstood me. I enjoy your writings -- both the content and the style. The writings are a breath of fresh air in sajha these days devoid of any meaningful threads. I look forward to your stories.
The fact that you worry about touching on sensitive subjects, worrying about the commentators viewpoints, and how you often regret and apologize for every little mistake is the kind of essence I find patronizing. You wrote a story. You have your viewpoint. Why do you need to apologize to anyone? Why don't you just write how you want to write? And write them often :).
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