Hope u dont work for this company 
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is unavoidable, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors (in writing) must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Human Resources Department
The Guys'
Rules-------------------
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all
down
Finally, the guys'
side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules"
from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the
male side. These are our rules! Please note... These are all numbered "1" ON
PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT
mind readers.
1. Learn to work
the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it
up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it
down.
1. Sunday sports.
It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides. Let it
be.
1. Shopping is NOT
a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
1. Crying is
blackmail.
1. Ask for what
you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong
hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say
it!
1. Yes and No are
perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with
a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is
what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that
lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we
said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments
become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't
dress like the
act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think
you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we
said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes
you sad or angry, then
we meant the other one
1. You can either
ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you
already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever
possible, Please say whatever you have to say
during
commercials.
1. Christopher
Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in
only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a
fruit, not A color . Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve
is.
1. If it itches,
it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what
is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you
are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring
it up again later.
1. If you ask a
question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to
hear.
1. When we have to
go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us
what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
baseball, the shotgun formation, Or golf.
1. You have enough
clothes.
1. You have too
many shoes.
1.. I am in
shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for
reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight;
But did you know men really don't
mind that? It's like camping.
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