There she lay on the terrace of her apartment staring at the stars and wondered why the stars only glittered at night. The smoke that she was inhaling was too strong for her, She knew it, I knew it and that one day the very smoke would take up her life but still she swayed the good side of her soul to stick up to it and hang on to it.
She claimed she had been through many obstacles in her life but for me it didn’t seem so. I had met hundreds and thousands of people before her who claimed to have a far more bitter life than hers but still she tried to convince me that her life was far more severe and blunt than anyone else who lived on this planet.
Dazing over the horizon and inhaling the smoke from the well lit cigarette was the way she always persuaded that she would overcome her pain but it never worked for her. Every moment she promised within herself that she would change, change in the manner that she could be happy and perfect for this cruel and untrustworthy world, change for the good, for the world but not for the sake of her own self, change in order to make some friends not for the sake of her well being. I guess she just wanted to change for the fact that she was already changing.
Maybe I was dumb and ignorant that I could hardly see all the scars and pain she had been through in her life. There she lay infront of me crying her pain out loud and shedding tears down her eyes. She didn’t seem to have any problems at home neither with her boyfriend who lived thousands of miles away from her. She trusted him and he trusted her or that is what he claimed to her. I was confused.
I didn’t dare to stand up and bid her farewell but the time was fast ticking away. I was getting late; I had a train to catch in 20 minutes. I didn’t care for the first time in my life about me and sat next to her hoping that at least my company would comfort her from all the cruelty this world has in to offer for a living being but I was mistaken.
She passed me the cigarette she was smoking and told me to put it out. I didn’t dare to. I wanted to smoke and share along the pain that she had within herself. I wanted to share her pain. This wasn’t about me; this was about the girl who sat next to me in pain: crying.
Those glittery blue eyes didn’t even dare to match up to my eyes. They were filled with tears which were glittered in presence of the dim moon light and the glittery stars that were shining upon us.
I persuaded myself I’d be happy. You had taken over my mind and my soul and I wanted you. I seriously don’t recall what it was about you that enticed me and I guess I will never know it till I get rid of you.
I bid farewell with a smile and sense of freedom to the tears and warm hugs which I wanted to run away from. I thought to myself, No more shall I be strangled in the beliefs and values which make no sense to me, no more shall I have to convince myself to wake up every morning and make myself believe that I am wrong.
The bitter arctic weather was a warm welcome, I was alone and for that I was ecstatic. I was Free, free to be with you. I had heard a lot about you, I believed I had seen you and finally to get to feel you, it was a dream come true but where are you? I still can’t find you so what was it that made me persuade you?
I always thought of myself as a weird kid, who indulged into oneself over acts of self contentment and self indulgence. Maybe, this was the sole reason I believed that the whole world was fake and I was real. Yes!! As weird and absurd as it may sound this is what I always feared.
I vividly recall walking back from school savoring upon the gums I had just bought with the money I had saved by almost starving to death during the school hours. I used to think to myself what if, what if my parents were robots? , what if all my friends were Martians who all were acting the way they did to make me feel I was in a world with people like myself when in reality I was surrounded by everyone who were not who they actually were. What if what I was living was a dream and what my dream was, was the reality. Yes, I know sounds funny, told you I was a weird kid but (Yeah maybe I needed some mental help ) this is what I felt at times.
Thinking about these thoughts brings no more than a smile on my face these days but what if it is true, what if no one is who they are and your dreams are sweeter than the reality that you decide to stick up with it?
I am not guilty and never was. I pleaded, cried and crawled for innocence but to no avail. I was arrested, arrested for something I had never done, let alone ever even thought about. But, I was put under arrest and confined within the four walls of the prison.I didn’t require putting up with this for I had not sinned, I swear I hadn’t. Every person I met, I pleaded for my innocence and so did they. They begged and swore for they too believed they hadn't sinned.
If for all were innocence than was I guilty?Was it me who had persuaded and proven my innocence to myself to prove my self esteem to none other than my own ego when I was guilty? I was bemused, confused but utterly disappointed for now I realized I infact had sinned.
@ Melon_Collie: No problem!!! and what you wrote was far more better than those random notes I wrote umm just thinking abt random stuff.. it's just my random analogy to random things . The second one ...hmmm It's more about my desire and obsession to come here to the States.... lol guess it doesn't make much sense but oh well!! thanks tho...
@subav: Umm sorry I'm pretty dumb.. Whats a smashing pumpkin thread? Umm a 80's band (thts all this lil' mind could think of) :)
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I really liked how u jotted all the feelings down.. I myself feel very confused most of the time..I can relate to wat u are saying .. very nice..keep it comin!!
Wow I felt I was really alone!!!! haha!!! I knw its friday but still ... Seriously Guys!!! (and dunno if girls too were involved in the process of replying) but, please!! if u feel its retarded pleaseee let me knowwwww... its just my random thts and random writing...thanks for wasting ure time and going thru it tho
I just had my lunch outside in a restaurent where they had these big aquariums. There were fishes swimming around here and there inside the water. And, y'know what... coz of you OverH, I gave a 'random thought' about that. Like... how would their world be like? They might see different faces eating and drinking infront of them.... and they also might wonder what these people do everyday.... don't they have any other stuff to do except eating?
In such a small space..... facing the same other faces (of other fishes inside), passing the same traces.... must be boring out there... like N. Mandella in prison.
However, I did enjoy eating while looking those colorful fishes.
Anyway, I am not a good writer as you but I like all of your random thoughts. Keep posting!!
Dude!!! Exactly…… haha!!! Mandela Dude!!! I don’t think you
need to go so far to find an analogy. Imagine yourself as a fish in the aquarium, your aquarium being this world, Maybe, it is a whole lot bigger than the aquarium you saw while having your lunch but everyday we strive to be FREE… atleast that is what I look forward to but, these faces and desires of each of these faces who too strive towards these same desires are like the fished entrapped within the aquarium fighting for the same source of food.
Dude !!! No one is poor in writing…. AS a matter of fact I suck … and I mean that… It’s just expressing what one feels like …
Thanks a lot for sharing dude…u too should keep on posting whtever random thts or msg that evolves within u
Once again thnks dude
(P.S Sorry bu no means am i trying to be a sexist.... dude is just sth that naturally comes up)
Sitting across the isles I ponder upon what was it that I came here looking for? Thinking back onto the moments when all i dreamt was to be sitting across these very isle reading books and staying all night long to fulfill a dream that had never been dreamt of.
I got what I wanted, Those stories that sometimes scared me were very true but I guess I was lucky or may be unlucky as I think of it now that I didn't have to go thru those stories. Like they say Easy comes easy goes...
It is what it is for what it shall cease to produce shall be the result of what it was but for the fact it's not always true..... Hopefully!!! All Good things don't come to an end...... But the END is inevitable for it is the beginning for all to run around in circles......