need more

two freinds were going down the street. first freind saw a purse laying down the road. first freind search inside finds a make up mirror. when he saw it said : i saw this guy some where. second freind : let me see. second freind : you idiot its me

mobile : Both Santa Singh and Banta Singh got Bored of using mobiles........ Santa- Bas! enough mobile use Banta- Yes yaar they are taking money from us like anything. Santa- How we can communicate without mobile yaar. Banta- Yaar we will keep pigeons and through them we will send our messages. We will tie our chits to their legs. So they kept pigeons and Santa Singh first sent one pigeon to Banta singh. The pigeon reached Banta's house but Banta was not able to find any messages tied. Banta to Santa- What yaar pigeon reached in time but I was not able to find the message attached to it. Santa- Are Yaar That was a missed call I sent to you.

funny !!! Interviewer : When is your birthday. Sardar : 13th Oct. Interviewer : which year ? sardar : Oye Ullu ke patte : Every year.

On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend asks him, "Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring?" Sardar : "Ya sure, from landline or mobile".

Agreement The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. (GET THE GERMAN DICTIONARY AND TRY TO READ IT.)

5 Stages of drunkenness Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

Politicians and Diapers need to be changed for the same reason!!!!!

wife looking out the window: " look at our neighbour he is such a nice man... .....he always kisses his wife before going to work........why dont you do the same??? Husband :" really do you think she will let me kiss her ???"

 

..three bad ass rats talking........
1st rat; Man ...I'm so bad that I just snatched the food out of the rat trap and I did about 100 benchpress with one hand with the snapper bar while eating my bait..........
2nd rat; well I ate a box of rat poison and liked it soo much that I eat it for breakfast instead of cereal everyday...............
3rd rat; Oh stop it you two bluffers...........Im bored now .......Im going home to have sex with the cat.................

There is this black kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the black kids. So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. Hey dad look im white! His dad kicks his ass, and says alright go show your mother. Hey mom look im white! His mom beats the shit out of him then says go show your gradma. Hey gradma look im white she beats his ass and sends him to his room. About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says have you learned anything from this? The kid says yeah ive learned i have only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 niggers.

nice ..funny !! more .need more

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Dave, how ya doin?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, “You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser”. “No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.” A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. “Hi Davey,” she says, “Want your usual table dance?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says. Little Johnny raises his hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,” he volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked young Johnny to describe the incident. “Well,” he began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! “That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher. “It sure was!” said Johnny. “My kitty raised his back, went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’… and before he could say “F**k”, the Rottweiler ate him!”

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world was that?” The man says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead, seven to nothing.” A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, “What was that?” She replies, “Touchdown, tie score.” The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work another one up. He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed. The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?” He replies, “Half time. Switch sides.”

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, “How’d you get a cork in your ass?” The other guy says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, “I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.” And I said, “No shit.”

A Dinner with girlfriend A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says," Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move! During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us". A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

This is a very old one you might have already heard……… A for apple. B for bada apple. C for chhota apple. D for dusra apple. E for ek aur apple. F for fokat ka apple. G for gol apple. > > H for ho gaya na pet kharab khake itne apple Now check out the rest of the alphabets compiled by me just for you I for isse kehete hai apple, J for jaisa bhi ho, hai to apple, K for koi bhi kha sakta hai apple, L for lo khahi lo ek apple, M for mujhe acha lagta hai apple, N for na kabhi na kehena khane ko apple O for oh! yeh apple —– P for peth bhar khaao apple Q for qismat mein nahi hoti hai sabke, yeh apple R for roz agar khaao tum apple S for sehetmand rahoge khaaogey agar tum apple T for tumko nahi milengey itney achey apple U for udhaar kii nahi hai yeh apple V for very tasy hai yeh apple W for waste na karo time aur khaalo jaldi se apple X for xmas main bhi apple Y for youn na chehra phero dekhkey apple Z for zaraasa aur khaalo aaple aur… CHALO AB KAAM PE LAGJAAO