Here is another one. Too funny..................:) Why Do Men Die First?? > >This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries ...... but, now >we >know. > > >If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat >race... >you're a male chauvinist. > >If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy. > >If you work too hard...there's never any time for her. > >If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum. > >If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay..this is exploitation. > >If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off >your >lazy behind and find something better > >If you get a promotion ahead of her....that is favoritism. > >If she gets a job ahead of you.....it's equal opportunity. > >If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment. > >If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference. > >If you cry............you're a wimp. > >If you don't........ you're an insensitive bastard. > >If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist. > >If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated >woman. > >If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination. > >If SHE asks you..........it's a favor > >If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a >pervert. > >If you don't.............you're gay. > >If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape......you're sexist. > >If you don't................you're unromantic. > >If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain. > >If you don't..............you're a slob. > >If you buy her flowers............you're after something. > >If you don't....................you're not thoughtful. > >If you're proud of your achievements.........you're full of yourself. > >If you don't....................you're not ambitious. > >If she has a headache............she's tired. > >If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore. > >If you want it too often.........you're oversexed. > >If you don't................there must be someone else. > >Men die first because they want to.

Here is one more. So much for today. Enjoy folks ! Sam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. > > Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they >watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good >health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise >for the last decade. > >One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare > vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. > >They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them > inside. > >He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with >a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. > >And their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped in >astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." > >Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," their >companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." > > Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf >course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. > >"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," the >companion replied. "You can play for free, everyday." > >Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every > imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to >exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said their >companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." > >The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. "Well, where are >the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he >asked. > >"That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink as >much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. >This is Heaven!" > > Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the >answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." > >"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself." > >Sam glared at Edith and said, "You and your damn bran muffins! We could >have been here 15 years ago!"

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper," "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn`t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don`t feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." Replied the nonchalant husband. "Then why on Earth did you invite a friend for supper?" said the infuriated wife. "Because the poor fool`s thinking about getting married."

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood." "This will be noted." Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave. The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Q: How did the Sardarji try to kill the fish? A: He put it under the water. Q: How do you keep Sardarji busy? A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner. Q: How do you make an Sardarji laugh on Saturday? A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday. Q: Why did the Sardarji stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: How do you keep Sardarji busy? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. Q: Why can't Sardarji make ice cubes? A: he always forget the recipe Q: How did the Sardarji try to kill the bird? A: He threw it off a cliff. Q: What do you call Sardarji in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor. Q: Sardarji ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." Sardarji #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" Sardarji #2: "No, who wrote it?" Sardarji: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?" MAN: "It's 3:15." Sardarji: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the wierdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer." _________________

~~ !! WELL THIS IZ MY ADVICE TO U TO STOP STUDYING~~ !! Because No Study = Fail ....................... ( I ) Study = No Fail ...................... ( II ) By Combining ( I ) & ( II ) : =====> ( No Study + Study ) = ( No Fail + Fail ) By Taking ( Study ) as a common factor in the left hand side And Taking ( Fail ) as a common factor in the right hand side =====> Study ( No + 1) = Fail (No + 1 ) By Dividing both sides by ( No + 1) =====> Study = Fail ~~ !! THATS WHY I ADVISE YOU TO STOP STUDING ~~ !!

bum walks into a bar, asks for a toothpick, bartender gives him a toothpick, bum leaves second bum walks into a bar, asks for a toothpick, bartender gives him a toothpick, bum leaves third bum walks into the bar, bartender goes 'you want a toothpick'? bum says 'no, gimme a straw instead' bartender asks 'why the straw?' bum replies 'well, someone barfed outside but all the chunks are gone'

The Period A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself." !! !! !! !!

Why do newly-weds have a 7 days honeymoon and not 6 or 8 days? Because 7 days make the whole(hole) week(weak)!

A mother and her son were flying Qantas from Perth to Sydney. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "Why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The boy said that she had. With a clever grin, the flight attendant said, "Tell your mother it's because Qantas always pulls out on time."

A farmer buys a young rooster to impregnate his chickens. The young rooster struts into the barn and yells to the old rooster, "Get out, old man! This is my barn now!." "Tell you what," says the old rooster. "I'll race you around the farm; winner gets all the chicks." The old rooster takes off toward the front of the house with the young rooster chasing him. THe farmer takes one look at the roosters, pulls out his shotgun, and blows the young one away. "Damnit," says the farmer. "That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash. Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera. Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and, going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault, and home he went. Four weeks later he received 3 traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

I have one joke for the refreshment :) A man decides to stop and get something to eat since he has been driving for 4 hours. He pulls into the first restaurant he sees and orders a hamburger and a drink. The waitress comes back with his meal. The man says "Why is my food so big..." The waitress replies "This is Texas, Texans like everything big!" So after eating some of his gigantic meal, the man asks where he can find the washroom. The waitress tells him to go down a hall and take a left. He walks down the hall and to the left and falls into a pool. Right away the man yells "Don't Flush!"

During an examination this guy was not able to answer the question so he copied the answer from another good student, The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'. But as he did not want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to 'timber(1+x)'

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog...... :D

WIFE means W= worries I= invited F= for E= ever

Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me". Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

In case you needed proof that stupidity is all over the U.S. 1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair] 2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside". {Evidently, the shoplifter special] 3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that would be how...?] 4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But it's *just* a suggestion] 5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". [Oops, too late!] 6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating" [As sure as night follows the day . .. ..] 7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". [But wouldn't this save even more time?] 8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.] 9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". [One would hope] 10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".[As opposed to what?] 11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". [I gotta admit, I'm curious]. 12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". [NEWS FLASH] 13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta] 14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". (Dammnnn !!! Guess I will have to return that now....)

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