Me and a few of the girls have started on this “happiness lies within you” cleansing spiritual diet. They have in fact named it the “Spiritual Cleanse”. You know because we’re done cleansing our diets, our homes, our workspaces and now it’s just natural that we start cleaning the next thing there is to clean, irrespective of whether the object needs cleansing. Three weeks and I’m already starting to feel some surprising changes.

I guess I should introduce myself before I actually start bitching about the effects. I’m not a very happy person, I was taught that everything is within a person’s control, not to say that I am an obsessive control freak but I do believe that 99% is in fact in my control, directly or indirectly. I don’t believe in a God, plural or singular. However, I do believe in being in the right place at the right time, some of you may prefer to call that luck. So you’re right to conclude that I’m perpetually disappointed that I’m not yet the person or personality I wish to become. I was an only child; naturally the family astrologer felt it was his fiduciary duty to have a marijuana induced hallucination that revealed a future full of accomplishments for the money that the parents bestowed upon him.

So that’s me and I’m not ashamed of it one bit. However, this idiotic diet that I’ve been on has really had an impact on me. I’ve become more…what’s the word…satisfied with who I am as a person. You see satisfaction is kind of a dangerous feeling for me. Content implies that the bar has been set pretty low and could be pushed a little higher, content is just a bit scary. Call me content phobic, if you must resort to name calling.

The worst is that I am happy. Last week I was working with this client who would have made my previous self go Naomi Campbell on them, but my patience caught me by surprise. I wasn’t caustic with them and was actually enjoying the challenge of baby-sitting a difficult client. But as the weekend came along, I realized my level of happiness on a hypothetical scale was 10 on 10, 10 being the highest level of happiness. You see, if I were to run some analytics on my happiness index, the graph would depict a positive relationship between weekday progression and happiness, with a high happiness score on the weekends. But three weeks have passed and my happiness is consistent throughout the week and the weekend. This has made life boring, I have nothing to complain about and no longer feel the temporary euphoria of the highs and lows that life consistently brings about.

If you must know, the cause of all of my above symptoms has been to look at everything from the other side than I usually do. So for example, there was this Lexus asshole who cut me off on the interstate yesterday. Usually I would honk the shit out of him, but something happened and I just told myself, he probably has a soundproof window and music out loud and will probably get hit one fine day. The whole process also includes understanding that life could be worse. For example, as I write this, a distant friend of mine bitches about her Prada purse and how she got ripped off on ebay, I quietly advise that there are people who use plastic bags and cereal boxes for their purses.

This is not normal; I think I am slowly becoming a breed that is scarce in this world. Maybe the astrologer was right, I am slowly becoming the true 1% of the population. I advise full caution in using this diet.