| Username |
Post |
| Lekhak |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 10:00 AM
I am good on my promise this time. Here is the Blue Sky, my personal favorite because I haven't drawn any 'inspiration' from any writer this time.
Hope you'll like it too.
BLUE SKY
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| Lekhak |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 10:03 AM
BLUE SKY
All things fall. Some faster than others.
Above me is the blue sky, below me I can see the misty cloud glaring at me like a trampoline.12,000 feet, 45 seconds to go.
I jumped out of my plane 2 seconds ago. You see, our conversation is not in a real time.
The faster I am accelerating to the ground, the faster I am talking to you. Skydiving, my
passion, the love of my life. I still remember telling my dad once, "I want my body to
be thrown in a skydiving fashion, from 10,000 feet altitude, when I am dead." Most of you wouldn't understand my passion for skydiving, except for my lovely wife up in that plane from which I am diving, and my best pal, Steve, who is piloting the plane, Cessna C-182, over the Estacada plain of Oregon .
Steve and I have shared same interests since our childhood days. We have fought so much that now we can't be seperated. Steve is only into B.A.S.E. jumping though, and I don't like driving my planes. When we ascend to skydiving, Steve prepares everything for me, including my parachutes and head gears. My innocent wife has almost no interest on this X-treme sport and is a little afraid of altitude; though she was gratious to accompany us in this persuit, this time.
I have just passed through that thick layer of cloud, I think I did get my suit a bit wet.
This is my first time with Accelerated Freefall, I am too old for Tandem dives now. I was
supposed to have 2 instructors along with me, according to the guidelines..but who cares now at this point of life! I am close to 110 mph now the air gust could peel my cheeks easily if I wasn't wearing the protecting mask. I wonder how Wesley Snipes could talk in this heavy air tunnel, no way.
Steve has always been superior to me in everything. He was the homecoming King of our highschool (we didn't have Queens there), he got selected in the Ivy league program and every girl would die to talk to him. I had contacts of so many girls, because of Steve; they all wanted to be my friend - to be his girlfriend. I never felt bad about it, I don't think so; but did wanted something to show for myself. That is why I bought an old corvette (though cheaper than his new Z3), learned Skydiving while Steve was into BASE jumping (mostly Cliffs). I even married a pretty wife, Sarah and Steve is unmarried still....despite knowing that Sarah was his old flame.
Contd>
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| Lekhak |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 10:07 AM
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| Lekhak |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 10:09 AM
Now I can make out the assembly of small houses, which appear like a computer motherboard.Those blue river, actually appear like a line in a geological map. 6,000 feet more and I will be kissing the ground. I don't have any complain for my life, no sir. I have a good job, a house with reasonable mortgage and my grass is greener than my neighbors. Apart from feeling uneasy time after time and thinking about what my wife would be doing while I am out, I am happy. I no longer hear the laughs of my wife in the airplane up,above. Before my jump, I was so nervous and these two were laughing their hearts out.
Old flames aren't called old ashes, as they have the tendency to burn again. On numerous accounts I have caught Steve at my home, while I was calling my wife to check. But, if he were actually guilty, why would he pick up the phone? I have seen my wife staring at him at times, but that could be an innocent look, right? My son is more dear to his uncle Steve than me, although we do play often. Oh Steve, why am I so much obsessed about you and my wife, at this point when I am going to pull the cord to open my chute? You have been always nice to me and yet I can't get things off my mind.
They must be still laughing now, Sarah might be sipping that vodka, she can't stand altitude (and yet she is laughing). 1,000 feet I should pull the cord now. But what is the use??? I have seen Steve meddling with the chute-bag while I was getting my shot before the jump. That old bastard corked the knob, I am sure. I am sure I won't be able to open the chute. Let me enjoy this moment, the last moment of my life. Dad, didn't I tell you I wanted to be dead skydiving? This is the love of my life, my only true friend. You told me dad, that Steve is no good. I kept his friendship despite that. May be I because I didn't trust you, I have, afterall, seen you strangling mom.
300 feets to go. I can see that plain construction site where my body is going to bang. Now, there is no point of pulling the cord. Even if Steve hadn't messed up the buttons, I blame him for my death. I know he did it. 3 seconds later my body will be smashed into pieces. 3 hours later, there will be an announcement on the radio, "A small plane, Cessna C-182, has been found missing in the Estacada plains of Oregon. The locals have reported that they have heard a loud bang, equivalent of a bomb explosion within the aircraft. The remains of the plane are yet to be discovered."
All things fall. Some faster than others.
THE END
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| yatri |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 10:58 AM
Simply astounding! Please keep the creative juices flowing.
best wishes,
yatri
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| babaal |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 11:06 AM
One of the best reads here on Sajha!!
MORE..... :)
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| Deep |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 11:09 AM
Lekhak,
wonderful.
Now, I know better what you meant by "don't tone down".
Keep on writing, lekhak. I just want to be a proud "pathak". See, I am a bit selfish here.
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| babaal |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 11:11 AM
You surely are JWI! :)
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| oys_chill |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 11:30 AM
Lekhak,
Superb and bone chilling once again! simple yet elegant!
This story reminded me a lot of the Agatha Christie Play I took part in years ago. I thank you for bringing my senses back to the tingling feeling to start off my day :)
Oys
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| ou812 |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 12:14 PM
A Vertical drop Melodrama. Exhilarating all the way down.
The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist,(The U.S)
The trick Lekhak Ji has pulled here is the ambigious ending. He gives a projection of his gruesome death. Did he smash on that concrete? Did he blow up with the plane? Who all died in that fateful flight? Or was it a perfect getaway?
I hope Lekhak ji will pleasure us with a sequel.
Riveting thriller!
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| Lekhak |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 01:24 PM
Thanks San.
A story won't have the ending 'ry' without the 're'aders. Thank you all for going through it.
Yatri
Thanks a lot for being the first reader. Means a lot. Hope to see you around in Sajha.
Babaal
Babaal, that would be one of the best compliment. Thank you so much.What is JWI anyway?
Deep
Another appreciation from master of story/narration. You know that I take your words seriously and it means a lot. Hope to read more of your stories, Ashu-writer.
Oys_chill
I knew I can always count on you on being my side (even if you have tendency to kick sideways, lol). Don't forget about the partnership for scriptwriting.
Agatha Christie eh? I mustn't have read that one as I can't recall. I guess I should feel good then, that it did remind you of her. My personal favourite is Sir Conan Doyle's works.
Ou812
Thanks again Ou812. Thanks for reading another piece of mine. I indeed tried to pull off that Devil's trick (although wasn't entirely successfull), you are right. As far as the ending, as you said, it is upto a reader's interpretation. If I were a reader, I would take it like a story of a jelous-suspecting man, who planted a bomb in the plane occupied by his own wife and his dear friend. Him jumping off the plane and not pulling off the parachute might be referenced to his desire for suicide. About Steve screwing up the parachute, may be he did...may be not.
Hope everybody else who haven't read it yet, wouldn't find it a waste of time.
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| hyaterica |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 01:35 PM
JWI= Jumping While Influenced? and hence the story? ;)
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| vivid |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 01:36 PM
Lekhak ji, kasto coincidence ho? Bharkhar bahira bata aunda nilo akash tira herya, plane udi ra, ani man ma tyo plane bata koi parajump gare pani herna ramailo hune thiyo bhanera sochi ra, kothama ai pugda napugda tapain ko "Nilo Akash" padna payen. Farak yeti matrai ki maile ta kewal parajump garya herne rahar garya thiyen hajur le ta sabai ko hatya nai gari dinu bhayecha.
La la ramro cha. Dherai agadi ek jana skydiver mare pachi usko nam ma tayar pareko documentary herya thiyen jhal jhali hajur ko katha lai manaspatal ma utarna sajilo bho.
Tara kina ho kathakar ko bol sadhai mrityu/hatya ma gayena antya?
Regards!
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| GurL_Interrupted |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 01:39 PM
Whoa! way to go! What a piece! You had it going Lekhak DWI :-) w/ your well described story...to top it off, the background to go! I see a Grreattt writer in you :-), not that u aren't aware 'bout it! Honest! Damn! you describe it weLL! Hope to read morrrre! Keep it up!
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| oys_chill |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 01:45 PM
oh forgot to mention lekhak jyu,
couple of years ago, I happen to run into a nepali-army, about to go to africa for peacekeeping. We were both taking crash driving course then, and every morning for almost two weeks used to go to osho tapoban in the mornings, have some tea and chit chat about life. He used to tell me how they are to routinely take part in parachute jump and how three of his friends in the army had died during para. jumping ending up in the jagged rocks of chobhar.
my point? as much as guys pride about being and enjoying the extreme sports, its equally frightening. As much as I enjoyed your story, I don't think its that easy to die or think in terms of death, when the protagonist of your story decides not to open the cord of the parachute.
"life's a complication, death by comparision is a piece of cake :P" ho ki?
Oys
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| KurLey |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 01:46 PM
Lekahk Ji, just awesome, thak you for the read and please keep them falling faster!
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| gharmigirl |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 07:38 PM
as promise, read "Blue Sky."
small notes:
things working: descriptions and language like poetry. best lines:
"Now I can make out the assembly of small houses, which appear like a computer motherboard.Those blue river, actually appear like a line in a geological map. 6,000 feet more and I will be kissing the ground."
"I wonder how Wesley Snipes could talk in this heavy air tunnel, no way."
favorite line: "Old flames are not called old ashes." that line quotable.
many other similar lines.
things not working:
not enough dialogue, too much telling, not enough showing. not enough tension .
hope you don't mind my small notes.
gg
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| Lekhak |
Posted
on 10-Jun-03 04:40 AM
Vivid
Thanks again for going through my piece. You words are what keep us motivated. About death being the only subject of climax, I agree with you. Never thought that way; a thriller CAN have climax without any involvement of death.
Point noted, I will bring up a new genre next time...possibly Love?
Gurl_Interrupted
Finally she comes. I was like, when is she gonna read it? I am gonna tax you next time you don't read my piece as Lekhak.
Thanks for going through it and liking it too. Do criticize it if you feel necessary. Your encouragement were warmly taken and may be I will start thinking about it seriously.
Oys_Chill
Was very much involved with the armies, never had any friends doing para-jump though. I still take it as Xtreme Sports (no, I never attempted one). About not pulling the chord, you have a point. But you never know a suicidal mind, right? The guy had already planted a bomb, and was blaming his friend for screwing up the chute. I think he was determined to die before he even jumped out of the plane.
Thanks for the comments.
Kurley
Kurley jyu. Thanks. Will try to make them faster, but you have to promise me that you will catch each one of them.
Gharmigirl
Gharmigirl, I will post the reply for "Seto Bagh" here too.
I have to say, Gharmigirl, you are one of my best critic now. Sometimes I don't agree with you, but most often I do. I thought about the points you made on Seto Bagh, while writing this one.
Thanks for quoting the lines, they are my favorites too. My best one was the line that starts and ends the story "All things fall. Some faster than others." If you think of it, it sums up the whole story. You wanted more dialogue, may be I should have started the story inside the plane, before the narrator Jumps. Since this was a narration from a person who is falling off the sky, with obviously nobody around, I couldn't include multi-personnal dialogues. I will note that for the next time though.
About being not enough tension...hmm... I agree. Only tension was created on the last two paragraphs of the story. I think that was injustice to the story...I should have atleast hinted (I did actually) in the previous few paragraphs too.
In a nutshell, I will keep all your points in mind.
What would I do without all you guys? Would stop writing. Thanks.
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| gharmigirl |
Posted
on 10-Jun-03 05:53 AM
Lekhak--two ways add more dialogue.
one way: as you say, start story earlier.
second way: have tiny tiny flashback scenes with dialogue and more conflict weave thrughout narrative. maybe jumper and innocent wife have fight over steve. maybe jumper and innocent wife have small fight over something else, on superficial level not related to steve but on deeper level, jumper thinks very related to steve.
also you hint at bomb, but perhaps tiny tiny scene maybe few lines of him building bomb, placing bomb in plane, etc.
also think more dramatic ending is if he pulls cord at last minute and save own life. or maybe he a coward about dying for himself but brave about others dying for his own selffish reasons. this add much conflict, too. perhaps his cord somehow electrontically connected to detonator of bomb. so if he pulls cord, bomb goes off. he not pull cord, bomb not go off by he die.
all kind possibilities.
just some more small notes
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| ou812 |
Posted
on 10-Jun-03 06:19 AM
A third way: Flashback on how Diver woos Sarah under the pale moonlight. Song and dance round about about a tree and green lawn. Plenty of vermillion. Two flowers kissing. And Thunder!!! Kaboom.... It starts to rain. Diver and Sarah find a cave..........
Fourth way: A dialogue as the diver jumps off the plane "Hum se hai jamana, jamana se haam nahi".
Fifth way: The Blue Sky is perfect the way it is.
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| Lekhak |
Posted
on 10-Jun-03 09:01 AM
Gharmigirl, not a bad idea. You also seem to be a writer. We are eager to read your works. And thanks for the advice. I hope to read more inputs from you on my forthcoming works; I know I can count on you.
Ou812. Thanks for the rescue.
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| GurL_Interrupted |
Posted
on 10-Jun-03 10:21 AM
Dear Lekhak DWI Jyo,
Just like ur writings, I find reading ur replies to the posters interesting as well. Perhaps, I learn something 'bout literature in them.
I am curious to know how and when did u started ur writing career (if I am permitted to write that)? Are there any particular books or websites you have bookmarked...that guides you in ur writings? If yes, than would you mind sharing the names of those websites or books :-)? My problems is I like writing...art and literature but find it difficult to follow the guidelines and boundaries! What do u suggest?
'bout reading ur work, it was going to happen soonerrr orr laterr! It was just that I decided to take a walk to reach my destination...on the way got distracted by every little thing imaginable...hence the delay!
I will say again, it's good to read ur writings! About being a critic! I will try...if my puny mind will help me see the flaws! Adios.
,G_I
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| Poonte |
Posted
on 10-Jun-03 10:22 AM
Chhoto, meetho...aang sirinngggaaaa paardo... :)
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| gharmigirl |
Posted
on 10-Jun-03 10:48 AM
don't know about lekhak, but some writer sites I like:
www.zuzu.com
www.pw.org
http://www.awpwriter.org/magazine
http://www.folger.edu/public/pfaulk/menu.htm
http://www.pen.org/
lekhak, not writer yet. still working on it. just big reader right now.
gg
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| gharmigirl |
Posted
on 10-Jun-03 11:07 AM
forgot important one:
http://www.spinybabbler.org/
has poetry post in contemporary art section
and writer section
http://www.spinybabbler.org/personalities/index.htm
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| GurL_Interrupted |
Posted
on 10-Jun-03 12:02 PM
Thank you Sis. Appreciate it :-)!
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| gharmigirl |
Posted
on 10-Jun-03 12:45 PM
not to mention. :-)
more nepali womens needed as writers, poets, activists, artists, intellectuals. change way of life and respect level.
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| SITARA |
Posted
on 10-Jun-03 02:24 PM
Lekhak ji:
Yet another amazing piece! Don't tamper with it... lest you sabotage the flow resulting in a self-combustion or a disasterous crash! ;) The "quirks", some may find lacking give the prose your personal touch!
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| Lekhak |
Posted
on 11-Jun-03 11:25 AM
Gurl_Interrupted
I might disappoint you with my bookmarks and book collections. Instead of being the pages of literature, they are mostly either Scientific/Technical or Sports related. So are my bookmarks. As for books are concerned, let's just say that I borrowed two books from my friend few months ago: John Grisham's Rainmaker and Stephen Hawking's Universe in a nutshell. The bookmark on the latter one (Universe..) is almost at the end of the book and that for the Rainmaker is right after the preface page.
The writing bug caught on me when my Nepali Professor (sir) forcefully put me in a Story writing competition. I guess since I was the youngest one among all the participants, I was given the first prize. I continued that feat till my 9th standard. I consider myself stronger in Nepali literature (except for the fact that my hraswa and dirgha are worse than 4th standard) than in English literature. I am a learner here, learning from Gurl_Interrupted, Sitara, Oys, NK, Deep and the list goes on.
I hope to hear more from you hai. In any subjects.
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| Lekhak |
Posted
on 11-Jun-03 11:31 AM
Poonte
Chhoto mitho comment. Aaaang halungo pardo.
Gharmigirl
As I said earlier, you should also try your hands on writing. Be it English or Nepali. What is 'Gharmi' anyways?
Sitara
I knew there will be select few(You, OU812,Oys,Vivid, Hyaterica) who would totally conform with my style. I wouldn't change a bit as you said; but I would however keep notes from those who will advise me further. Afterall, I am not even a professional, so I can't assume what I am writing is the best one. I will always have my ears open to all my critics and promise, will never take it badly.
Again, thanks for going through it. Your valuable words just decorates each work.
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| gharmigirl |
Posted
on 11-Jun-03 12:05 PM
lekhak, sorry to hear you not change a thing. good writers seem to always rewrite, revise constantly. i assume part of creative process and thing called "polishing" works.
thank you for encouragement.
gg
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| chick pea |
Posted
on 11-Jun-03 12:28 PM
Gharmi girk, Good constructive criticism. You are just trying to make an excellent story better. I really enjoyed Lekhak story and would like to read more of them. garmi girl= hot/sexy girl - right :-)
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| gharmigirl |
Posted
on 11-Jun-03 12:37 PM
thanks, chick pea bro.
right about "gharmi."
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| NK |
Posted
on 11-Jun-03 12:47 PM
Absolutely funtastastic! Refreshing. You are falling to death - perhaps into piieces, yet so calming . Quite bone chilling. There are so many things I could learn from you too!
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| GurL_Interrupted |
Posted
on 11-Jun-03 06:46 PM
Gharmi sis,
Thanks 4 the encouragement! Yup absolutely agree to what u have to say! So *ahem* when will I be reading ur pieces? :=D!
Lekhak DWI,
Thank u :-)! I was wondering...how will ur writings be if u was to take one class! Hm....! :-)! Superb? :-)!
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