| Username |
Post |
| Lekhak |
Posted
on 02-Jun-03 10:04 AM
Namaskar from Lekhak again.
I whole heartedly apologize not fulfilling the promise I made after my first story, "The Green Eyes." Here is the next one, "Seto Bagh." Sorry if it is a little long, but couldn't cut any peace out.
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| Lekhak |
Posted
on 02-Jun-03 10:06 AM
SETO BAGH
The window is closed and yet the leaves are shivering. Must be the gust of chilled air coming from that vent, which is also turning the pages of Seto Bagh real fast. I check the syringe and the medication and it looks up to the level. If you ask me, it is really easy to kill people. No sweat, at least when it is somebody you dont know. You simply grab their left hand, find the nerve and pull the needle in. They cant resist, as they are semi-dead already. Thats why I kill them, euthanasia, you know.
But tonight it is different. I am feeling like a refrigerated peace-of-water inside. The rays of light coming out of the 60Watts, feel like x-rays piercing a conscience mind.
It appears brighter than before, going to expose my deed. I have managed to stop my hands from trembling but the blood tide inside, appears to have been affected by the full moon tonight.
My nursing home has seen 14 deaths so far. 12 of which were intentional. No, my patients dont ask me to kill them. I make the decision based on their conditions. To be safe from the legal hassles I cover up the process. You see, thats why I have chosen the pillow murder now-a-days. My 11th victim, well customer, had to go through autopsy and they did find the drug injected. We were able to wrap up the incident quickly, thanks to our legal department. It is a little cumbersome but worth it, you just have to hold the pillow above the patients face, put your knees over both of the patients legs and squeeze the pillow as hard as possible. You can see eyes popping out if you dont cover the face completely, so make sure about that. With injections, it is pretty easy, obviously.
The 'seto bagh' is still flipping, my aunt Timila read it 9 times and still likes it. She laughs everytime she goes to the Fistey Raja part. Who is aunt Timila? Well she is my aunt, a close relative to Anush. Despite her disapproval of our marriage (she thinks Anush and I are related because of her), I still love her. I gave her a rare mayur pankh bookmark, I bought from Rajasthan, in her last birthday which she kept on the Seto Bagh. I dont see that bookmark in this 'Seto Bagh', so the patient who just checked in tonight cant be aunt Timila. Siya, my assistant told me that this patient had a rare and terminal desease. But she did smile while leaving for the day, dont know why.
Okay, I have to start my process now, have to concentrate. I make sure that the pillow cover is dry cleaned before it is 'used.' I do hope that Siya has turned the patient rooms lights off. You see, I dont want to get attached with innocent face of my patients, on an euthanasia mission. Let me open the door silently, they shouldnt be disturbed. The old bitch is sleeping soundly it seems. Almost the same heights and posture as my aunt Timila. Look how sound she is sleeping, poor lady. That periodic uprising of her belly is little annoying. Glad to put a rest to it now. The light, even though, is dim enough to shade her face, I should be able place the pillow correctly.
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| Lekhak |
Posted
on 02-Jun-03 10:08 AM
Now, I am stratring to tremble. It didnt happen before, I was always able to control myself. My hands are shaking like I am driving a shift-stick in higher gear. My pillows are my wheels now, I am being dragged towards the old bitch's head. Anush, why am I remembering you now? Anush, no one can part you from me, but please leave for a while from my thoughts. I need to concentrate. Okay, I am about a foot away from the old lady's face. Let me stay next to her, it should be easier that way. Oh it is so warm here, why her feet are like my aunt's too. No she cant be her, the 'Seto Bagh' has new covers on it and I didnt see the book mark I gave her. Besides, Siya would inform me that it is my aunt.
Give me courage, oh God. It is afterall, for the old lady's sake. I want to rid her from all the pains she has infected upon herself (or others???). She has to go. I slowly extend my arms now. Look at those eyes, it is so clear now. I shouldnt be looking at them, here I go. The old bitch realized so quickly, she is trying to free herself !! May be she wasnt sleeping after all, just pretending to. But your time has come lady&you have to go. The wind gust has opened up the windows and the old lady is shaking really hard now. Look there!!! The mayur-pankh I gave to aunt Timila, the wind has blown it inside this room. I am sorry aunt, you have to go.
The work is done. Aunt Timmy will be finally parted with her 'Seto Bagh.' Suddenly I hear the telephone ringing. "I am not available, please leave a message. Beep" "Hey Simmy, its me Anush. You probably have already met aunt Timila&well she wanted to surprise you and checked in as a patient. She must have already told you that she has agreed to our marriage and is there to give you heartful of blessings. I will check you out later."
The seto bagh is still being flipped mercilessly. I think it has reached the part where JangaBahadur sees the seto bagh.
THE END
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| oys_chill |
Posted
on 02-Jun-03 11:31 AM
Lekhak lekhak lekhak..
you give me creeps in broad daylight dude. I did read your GREEN EYES and found it equally chilling. Let me confess you that your first story inspired me to delve myself into fiction a little, but I lacked your sardonic creativity and diabolique imagination; Fiction not my cuppa tea.
Anyways, hope to read more of your pieces. Kudos to ya. or shall we say the making of a Nepali "Allan Poe" :)
PS. Next time, Instead of writing in word, try writing in notepad and then posting it to avoid those annoying squares and & signs.
yor hallowed fan :)
OYS
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| SITARA |
Posted
on 02-Jun-03 12:52 PM
Lekhak:
Writing from the darker side of the self.....or exploring the righteous musings of the psyche?
Either ways, incredibly spine-chilling! You write well!
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| vivid |
Posted
on 02-Jun-03 02:05 PM
Lekhak ji,
What a way of putting bits together.
Euthanasia and Seto Bagh.
Sometimes, I just wonder if euthanasia is to be legalized, life would be much easier to live on the will to survive, but you do need my consent hai lekhak ji, :) and I don't want to be suffocated with the pillow, my! my! just imagining gives me a creeping sensation under my skin.
By my bed side you will find , 'Philadelphia experement' instead of Seto Bagh, :P
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| ou812 |
Posted
on 02-Jun-03 02:43 PM
Gripping Chiller.... certain ring to Dostoyevsky Crime and Punishment. Just imagine all the crimes committed in Nepal. People droping dead like flies in hospitals. roadsides, within the secure bedrooms. Pity we never get a wiff of them. Don't even know about the policing system in nepal.
A true event prior to Royal massacare. A friend's family runs a hostel for students in Damak (East Nepal). The 3 storied house where they live along with borders belonged to an ex-gurkha and his family 3 or 4. The ex-gurkha and family lived on the top floor. A day or two before royal massacare my friend's elder brother was returning home after a trip. As he backed his Maruti Gypsy inside the garage, he heard a loud thud on the bonnet. There lay the Ex-Gurkha's wife, head dangling attached by just a thin skin. Upstairs, same fate for his two children. Police were called and the usuall routine. Believe he was manic depressive.
When I was about a 12-13 I saw a baby (6-7 months max) hacked to peices. head severed, limbs hacked off and disembowled. About few years apart, saw a women gang-raped and stangled to death, body left in Baas Ghari near our home. Belive she was returning from Mela late night. Can't believe so much violence exist in our society.
Let's not forget the countless number of nepali youths fataly injured everyday on motobike accidents, sucides etc.
Is there any why of knowing the true side of things, be in hospitals, roads or home?
Lekhak Ji, Thank you captured my imagination. Pls pardon my rambling.
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| ou812 |
Posted
on 02-Jun-03 02:56 PM
Ps how do I retrieve old postings? Wanna read "The Green Eyes" & the sequel to "Assuming I did not speak"?
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| DHUMBASSE (DUMBASS) |
Posted
on 02-Jun-03 03:03 PM
Ou812
i dunno i never did that ..
lekhak
the most i like about your stories is the language yetself.very simple and precise in drawing a picture, a picute clearly visible to a blind.
For me it was like throwing a rock in placid pond..waves all around
Nice one!!
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| SITARA |
Posted
on 02-Jun-03 03:33 PM
Ou812
Click on the poster's name (right here) and then search for their postings!
http://www.sajha.com/sajha/html/openthread.cfm?forum=2&ThreadID=9932&show=all
http://www.sajha.com/sajha/html/OpenThread.cfm?forum=2&ThreadID=9537
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| DWI |
Posted
on 03-Jun-03 04:15 AM
Oys
, ma aba ke bhanu. I religiously read any work by you and hope to have half of your writing skills on my pieces. You know, we could be a good team.
Allan Poe was a good cue, the story also was inspired by Ravinda Nath Tagore. But the origin of the story was 'original' and the inspirations were used for a much familiar audience. Thanks for the tips on Notepad, I will use that from now on.
Sitara
,
>>Writing from the darker side of the self.....or exploring the righteous musings of the psyche?
Could I put it much better? Thanks. I enjoy making my protagonist a villain. Reasons were there to justify her action, but what she did was practically wrong. Her denial and reluctance proved costly. I definately was exploring the righteous musings of the psyche, no rephrasings.
Vivid jyu
,
Thanks for liking the juxtaposition. But I have to admit it wasn't very intentional. My previous title was 'White Oleander'(another novel) but I wanted to give it a Nepali theme, yet maintaining my repititive attachment towards a color in my title (Seto Bagh, Green Eyes).
I am sure you don't have a mayur-pankh in the 'Philadelphia Experiment.' So from what you've read, is there any hard evidence suggesting that experiment actually happened?
ou812
,
You might be a newcomer in Sajha, but you certainly have left a lasting impact with your latest works. It is good to be recognized by a fellow writer. Can I use your story to come out with a new one? It sure sounds chilling.
Dhumbass
,
Thanks for just going through it and thanks a million to mention you liked it. I am kind of following your lead on making the language simple. The rock that you threw in the pond splashed few drops of admiration, how can I thank you?
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| Lekhak |
Posted
on 03-Jun-03 04:16 AM
Oys,
is that a good hint?
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| rai |
Posted
on 03-Jun-03 04:39 AM
Lekhak,
Poetic licence is all yours , and I know this is fiction . but humbly like to suggest you to give little more thought to the technical details
for example .
you cannot kill a person easily by injecting a drug in their nerves, as opposed to blood vessels( veins and arteries) , probably it comes from direct translation from nepali "nasa".
killing a person by pillow method is technically termed as suffocation and it is very very very easy to identify a death by suffocation than by injecting poison in the right place.
I am not an expert but while reading your otherwise beautiful story , these things gave me the feeling of " KABAB ma HADDI"
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| Lekhak |
Posted
on 03-Jun-03 04:50 AM
Rai jee. Thanks for the headsup. I will do more research on the topic before I write on it. Thanks for liking it too.
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| deep |
Posted
on 03-Jun-03 06:13 AM
Yasto po katha ta! Lekhak DWI lai mannu parchha.
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| Poonte |
Posted
on 03-Jun-03 08:16 AM
Damn! Kataa baata aaunchhan yesto ideas? Aang nai siringa bhayera jyan jiringa bho...lekhak ko lekhaai raamro chha...mero Seto Bagh ko ma pani mayur ko pwankh cha hau...darai laagyo!
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| GurL_Interrupted |
Posted
on 03-Jun-03 11:53 AM
Dwi, So u r the hidden Lekhak? Hm...Nicely written like ur first story...Verry good at grabbing a readers attention 4rm A-Z. Nice!
I had a question 4 you. I saw ur name on the postings, but was not sure if it would be a good idea to ask on the basketball posting so didn't wrote anything. So just sat quietly.
I didn't Lekhak was you. I was just browsing through kurakani and coincidentally happened to step on ur turf. Uhm...once you called me ..... Ji, I remember in one of the topics. How did you know it? Do u know me? Uhm...R u P.....? It's K if you donot feel comfortable answering me. It'll be kool. Just wanted to check. Thanks :-). Take care.
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| Lekhak |
Posted
on 03-Jun-03 12:08 PM
Deep jyu , Thanks. It means a lot coming from a writer as yourself. Hope to get some writing points from you, will keep on reading your works.
Poonte, Poonte jee, thanks. The thriller is not as good as your humerous points. I am waiting for one of your humerous works in Sajha. Kahile padhna pawaula?
Gurly_Gurl. Thanks for the compliments. I still remember your compliment from last time which motivated me for the next one right away.
Umm... that 'Ji' probably meant a respect-tag. So, it means something else eh. Now Sajhawasis got the clue, gurly. K and Ji...go figure.
No I am not R or P, sorry.
About me being DWI, you should have just clicked on the title 'Lekhak' that appears to the left of the postings. You would see my personal info as 'DWI's literature persona.'
I do prefer to be referred as Lekhak in this field though.
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| oys_chill |
Posted
on 03-Jun-03 12:21 PM
eheh..so its none other than DWI. I always knew DWI had this amazing writing talent, but he was wasting a lot in basketball and baseball threads ;) (not to belittle sports here)..
coming back to Rai's points: I thought if you could inject a person maybe even half inch empty space of syringe, you could kill the person...medicine not my field, so dunno. Using sirani is more chilling though ;)
DWI, last semester i took this interesting class and got few cues from the police how to get away with murder
1) ALways wear black jeans (to confuse the DNA evidence)
2) have bleach with you all the time to erase the evidence :P
eheh..hope to read more!
Oys
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| GurL_Interrupted |
Posted
on 03-Jun-03 12:22 PM
Hm......So u r not :-)! Good! One more suspicion eliminated :=D!
Uhm...I was not talking 'bout Ji. The ..... in my previous post stood for somebody's name! Remember u called me ..... Ji once in one of the postings. Than I had gone like, Nope I'm not that....I'm Gurl_Interrupted? Does it ring bells? Nevermind! Forget it! Thansk newayz :-). Come up with more of ur thriller writings in the near future also :-). Take care!
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| Lekhak |
Posted
on 03-Jun-03 12:27 PM
Oys, lekhak kya lekhak (not DWI). Aru le thaha paula.
If you recall in Green Eyes Postings, you were the first one to guess that I might be a returning Sajha user and I had agreed to that (you might have never checked it back). As I said you just needed to click on Lekhak's personal information to notice that it was me, DWI.
I don't have any other alias, FYI.
Hmmm..Black jeans for murder eh? Should be a part of the next story. Hey! About Basketball postings, how come it is a waste? Sports is my passion without which I don't exist. Ask Rusty.
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| gharmigirl |
Posted
on 05-Jun-03 08:43 PM
lekhak
good scary story, like it so mcuh. reads like piece from bigger book. you writin novel? right now small scene. rai makes good points. bleach available not realistic except if bleach in story early like prop.
one ting missing: motivation. why "I" wants to kill old peoples? Also who is "I" in status of nursing home? one thing if doctor kills patients, another thing if nurse kills patients, another thing if floor cleaner or food preparer kills patients. also with 12 deaths, wouldn't head of nursing home grow suspicious and wouldn't "I" talk maybe statements and actions regarding suspicions of head or coworker, maybe making more tension? how he or she has to hide killngs. be more careful in room, has to wear long face when old peoples' family come for dead persons.
maybe research drug for hide murder deaths. suffocation easy IDed as murder and catch "I" fast maybe after 2 or 3 deaths. find drug no detectible in autopsy.
just small thoughts on good story. like to read more of "I" character
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| DWI |
Posted
on 06-Jun-03 05:39 AM
Gharmigirl, What is Gharmi? If you don't mind me asking.
Few posters in this thread had identified the need for euthanasia (ending the life of a patient suffering from a terminal illness or incurable, unbearable desease). Euthanasia is still illegal in most part of the world but it might be an article of debate to rule it right or wrong. Would you like to see an old man suffering painlessly, when you know that he would better be off dead. I don't support euthanasia completely, I just brought up a character who does.
About motive in this particular one, well Euthanasia was just a 'bahana.' As you would find apparent in the latter part of the story, The protagonist of the story wanted to kill the old lady to get the love of her life She just didn't wanted to confess it and pretended to herself, that she doesn't know the patient and that she wants to give her nirvana by killing her. The twist in the climax facilitates the story to twist it one more time.
Hope you will read my next one, "BLUE SKY."
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| Rusty |
Posted
on 06-Jun-03 06:47 AM
DWI... BB power forward,
Aba lekna ma pani forward...
I was not paying attention to this thread before.. I just happened to read this fiction, and later found out lekhak = DWI:)
It was indeed bloodcurdling story in day light.. Wow. Speaking of euthanasia, which was the last country to legalize to do this? I think it was Netherland... Anyways, waiting to see other scary stories...BRAVO...
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| isolated freak |
Posted
on 06-Jun-03 07:47 AM
WOWOWOWWO!
This is one heck of a "severe chill ran down his spine" story!!
A really good scary stuff!
namaste..
when is the Blue Sky coming out?
Also,
DWI=Lekhak? now, that's impressive. Political anlaysis + Fiction..a good combination. I wish I could write stroies and poems, but my brain just doesn't have that "imagination" department in it.
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| vivid |
Posted
on 06-Jun-03 04:24 PM
Lekhak ji,
Only me ho ki ke ho Euthanasia ko pakchyadhar?:( Anyway, sometimes, I really think if strict conditions are set for the practice, it would do justice to those who really want to terminate his/her life rather than to survive with an uncurable disease. But it is just my thought. I've seen families wishing for the ailing person to die rather than to see him/her in agony. If nothing could be done, then it would be better just to let go, isn't it?
Rusty ji, I think Netherlands is the first nation to legalize Euthanasia and Belgium comes second.
Lekhak ji, about Philedelphia experiment, I read some 4 years back, but still consider it one among my best read. Actually, I like the read as it had some hard core facts about the so called experiment they so much wanted to cover up.
What do you think about the bermuda triangle?
You can shoot back your views about that.
Waiting for your next one,' Blue Sky".
Regards!
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| sparsha |
Posted
on 06-Jun-03 05:34 PM
technical issue aside, nice flow captures attention.
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| gharmigirl |
Posted
on 08-Jun-03 09:19 PM
ok, dwi--on story--if character supports euthanzia for compassationate reasons, then has to be made clearer. if character supports euthanazia soley as bahana, then that has to be earlier in story. I understand idea of reversal in story, but reversal not set up. if protagonist want to kill old lady to win love of life, then reader wants to know more about love of life and how chararcter justifies murder calling it euthanazia, even if written in way that reader understands one point while characters believes another. also love of life has to be made clearer earlier. why this girl love of life? just one sentence or two. this just logical sense. also reader needs more urgency from character about love of life. also whether you as writer support or disagree with euthanaizia not point at all. point is how deeply character believes in practice if writer--you-- convince reader of character's belief. as story is now, motivation not clear--which make reversal part weak. much room for developing of character. this to make deeper and longer.
just my small notes.
looking very much forward to "blue sky." you good writer. i big reader. hope you don't mind my small notes.
gg
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| Lekhak |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 05:00 AM
Rusty
Thanks Point Guard. Good to know that you went over it and liked it. Have many technical inadequecies, but will make sure next time. I know the first country to legalize it was the Netherlands, don't know the last one.
Isolated Freak
What can I say. Feels good to get compliments from a fellow Political Analyst with a brain storage of Library Gigabytes. Glad you went over it.
vivid
Vivid, I guess one of the problem with Euthanasia is that it is hard to set a parameter onto what constitues an euthanasia. It might encourage murders and suicides without a reason too. Besides, there are ethical (along with legal) issues. I agree with your views but there do exist plenty of issues.
I always took Philadelphia experience as a conspiracy theory. I haven't gone through the book yet, what do you make out? Did it actually happen?
About Bermuda Triangle, I did see the discovery piece on it..but couldn't come to any hard conclusions. You know, I am pretty sceptic on these things.
Sparsha
Chhoto - Mitho. Thanks. Will make sure to do more research to eliminate technical issues next time.
Gharmigirl
Thank you so much for the notes. They really are instructive and will make sure I remember all the points you raised next time.
Being a short story, it is hard to insert all the details inside. But the point you made, about mentioning a line or two about love interest, was I guess, necessary. You're right. However I left that piece out to overwhelm the reader with new facts in the climax (guilty!). It really is fun to vague-up the details, without actually covering them up. Love interest was the biggest motive of the story, so it deserved more lines, but I decided not to, because I thought whatever were written were enough. You know, you try to minimize lines here in Sajha.
Thanks again.
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| gharmigirl |
Posted
on 09-Jun-03 07:46 PM
dwi--lekhak
my belief: story is living thing. no point in minimizing lines for sajha; we read all story you post, no matter length, so long as story works. also, no point "vaguing up details" unless practice serve purpose for story. just my opinion. you writer. i only reader. i learning how to read like writer.
gg
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